Curb Your Dog

CURB YOUR DOG
By Rob Sandman
26 July 2006
© Rob Sandman 2006

 

Sam enters the room shaking his head in disgust.  Lost Cause is sitting on the couch chuckling while watching Faces of Death.  Sam sits down on the couch next to him and lets out a big sigh.

Lost Cause:  So how was your walk Sam?

Sam:  Don’t ask.

Lost Cause:  What’s the matter?

Sam:  I don’t want to talk about it ok!

At this point Goblin tears ass across the room screaming like a hyena in heat, chuckling all the way into the other room.  Ironic??? We think not.

Sam:  God I hate him sometimes.

Lost Cause:  Hey…Hey…Hey, don’t use that name like that around here.  Listen, how about you tell me what happened over a nice cup of Windex.

Sam:  Whatever…

Lost Cause: (waiving a cup in front of Sam)  So….are you going to tell me what happened?

Sam:  Well, I wanted to go for a walk to get out of this place for a while and of course Goblin had to follow me.

Lost Cause:  What’s wrong with that, he keeps the mosquito’s away with that wonderful minty fresh breath of his.

Sam:  Minty fresh?  Is smells like the ass of a dead chicken.  Anyway…I can’t even go for a walk without you guys doing something wrong.  He decides that he’s going to shit on the neighbor’s lawn.

Lost Cause:  So?  It’s good fertilizer……and it’s free.

Sam:  You know I’m having enough problems with them as it is because of that stunt you guys pulled with the sheep.  They’re always looking at me with an accusing glare.  I swear they know something.

Lost Cause:  They don’t know anything, trust me.  Remember it was a poor unfortunate incident with a lawnmower. 

Sam:   Well of course they call the cops on me saying that my dog took a shit on their lawn and I left it.

Lost Cause:  Wow, they’re some blind, dumb-ass idiots.  I’ve never seen a dog with horns, have you?  You should make sure to bring that up at your court hearing.  If they’re found incompetent, any of their testimony can be deemed admissible.

Sam:  How the hell do you know that?

Lost Cause:  Law and Order

Sam looks at LC for a minute like he wants to ask him why he watches Law & Order but decides that it might not be a good idea.

Lost Cause:  You know we can help you with your court…

Sam:  (Cutting off Lost Cause before he could even finish his sentence) NO…I mean no thanks I’ll let my attorney take care of everything.  So as I was about to say, this female cop shows up and she ends up giving me a ticket for not cleaning up after him.

Lost Cause:  That’s it?  All you got was a ticket.  Why are you complaining?

Sam:  I’m not done yet.  Goblin decides that he doesn’t care much for her so he shreds the ticket.  But that’s okay, she thinks he’s cute so I start talking to her and managed to get her number.

Lost Cause looks at Sam with sheer bewilderment.

Lost Cause:  I still don’t get why you’re so upset, the last thing you had sex with was your hand.

(From the other room)

Bob:  It could be considered a threesome because he used two hands.

Sam:  (Yelling towards Bob)  Shut up Bob!  (Sam turns his attention back to LC) Things were going great up until that point, then Goblin decides to go AWOL.

Lost Cause:  And you expect any less?

Sam: For God’s sake he attacked her.  Then he fucking ate her.

Lost Cause: (cringing at the sound of that unholy name again) Well, I guess that’s something you’ll never know.

Sam:  Thanks, you know you fucking guys are killing me.  Is it your only mission in life to make me miserable and make my life a living hell?

(Bob and Dr. Sanity pop their heads out of different rooms)

Bob & Dr. Sanity:  (simultaneously) No, not the only one.  (They then go back about their business)

Sam:  That’s just fucking great.  What do you guys plan on next, tying me up and anally raping my mother while you pour hot wax on me and clamp my nipples with clothespins?

Lost Cause:  (coughing loudly and nervously while looking around the room for an answer to that) Umm…I’ve got to go do laundry.

Lost Cause darts for the door.

Sam:  Hey, get back here!

 

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