Ozzfest 2006 Observations

By Dan Cheek
27 July 2006

I attended Ozzfest yesterday with my girlfriend, Krissy, who also happened to get the tickets for us.  I wasn’t gonna go just because even though I really like many of the bands who were going to be playing, the venue they were going to be playing at (Montage Mountain in Scranton, PA) has a habit of fucking up big things like this.

But, since I was offered a ticket at no charge, I decided to go.  The headline bands were Hate Breed, Avenged Seven Fold, Disturbed, and System of a Down.  All of them put on quite a show and made the day worth while, especially Avenged Seven Fold and Disturbed.  It baffles as to how these bands have not conquered all that is by now.

The first act was a “surprise” appearance and short set by the band Dragonforce.  I don’t know why it was such a “surprise”.  Either that guy who was doing the announcing at the concert was on crack (maybe) or Dragonforce forgot that they announced on their website that they’d be part of Ozzfest 06.  Either way, nothing about their sound impressed me much.  A good band, but they probably should have been on the second stage in my opinion.

Then their were the girls.  The topless girls.  Several dozen fairly attractive girls had visited the “Decriminalize” booth.  These guys were promoting the legalization of weed and as part of a promotion, were painting girls’ chests in body paint, allowing them to walk around topless.  Very topless.

Obviously, this was a bit distracting.  Especially when one of these girls is sitting next to you on the lawn.  And it was hot yesterday.  Very hot.  So that paint started to run after awhile.  And then, again right in front of me, two of the topless girls started slam dancing and wrestling.  Oh my.

Keep in mind, my girlfriend is standing next to me though all of this.  At one point she looked at me and was like, “These girls who do this body painting stuff are obviously just sluts who are looking to find a new way to be slutty.  It’s gross.”  For relationship reasons, this is my official position on the subject as well.  Still, they were wrestling…

Which brings us to the topic of security.  If anyone in charge at Montage Mountain is reading this (and I doubt anyone in charge up there is capable of reading…), you need to fire all of your security people.  Complete fucking idiots, the whole lot.  Let me qualify that statement.

Shortly after Disturbed started their set, a large group of drunken tough guys decided to start a circle pit.  For those who don’t know, a circle pit is where a group of people form a circle, take off their shirts to show off their muscles, and then ram into each other, trying to knock someone down.  Combine Disturbed’s lyrics, the oppressive heat, and alcohol, and this QUICKLY turns into a local chapter of Fight Club.  This was happening about twenty five yards away from me.

I looked around to see where Security was.  About thirty of them were over by the bathrooms, apparently trying to keep the line for the outhouses moving smoothly.  I looked back to the circle.  Most of them were now bloodied, some were now armed with pieces of wood, and one had managed to pick up a large garbage can, presumably for the purpose of smashing someone.

Again, I looked to the bathrooms.  Security was threatening to Tazer the next person who cut in line.  I then turned back to the circle of destruction.  By now, there were people just laying there, bleeding.  I think some might have been dead, I don’t know.  Blood and hair were flying, there was loud screaming, and a priest even came by (I don’t know from where) and began administering last rights.

FINALY, a security monkey came over.  He tried to sort things out and was in the process of cooling things down and talking a guy into putting his shank away when he happened to look over at the bathrooms.  He must have saw someone cutting in the pee-line, because he started yelling and running over to backup the other thirty guys who were already there.  The fight eventually broke up when most of the warriors past out from blood loss.  But NO ONE managed cut in the bathroom line, Goddamnit.

But, my rants aside, it was a good time.  All the bands that were there were good and the headliners were great and amazing.  Even if your not a metal fan, I highly recommend attending at least one Ozzfest.  Especially if you’re an attractive female who enjoys walking around topless.  All for now.

-CHEek
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

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