The Jeff Saga – Part Three: Chaos Reigns

“Jeff – Part Three: Chaos Reigns”
By Dan CHEek
17 November 2006
© Dan Cheek 2006

The blast of hellfire sent Goblin hurtling through the kitchen wall, landing him in the charred remains of the living room.  He hit with a small thud but was back upright in a second.  Jeff, the floating piece of cardboard that was Satan himself, came flying into the room and slammed into Goblin at full speed, sending the Sock Puppet flying through the air yet again.

Goblin hit the ash covered floor and rolled with the impact.  Again, he was upright in a matter of mili-seconds.  Again, Jeff came charging through the air.  This time, however, the results were a bit different.  As Jeff was rushing towards him, Goblin leapt into the air and sank his powerful teeth into Jeff, which served to royally piss him off.

“You stupid fucking beast,” he screamed as Goblin was still latched onto him, “Don’t you know when your beat?  Fighting back isn’t going to delay your death, just make it more painful.  Ass.”

If Goblin cared about what the Devil was going on about, he didn’t show it.  Instead, Goblin used all of his strength and launched Jeff through a wall.  Jeff came crashing through the other side and slammed into a bookshelf that was full of old encyclopedias.  Upon impact, Jeff and the entire shelf, books and all, went crashing to the floor.  With a burst of hellfire, Jeff was free and popped up out of the mess.

Goblin was waiting for him.  “Your starting to really annoy me, creature,” Jeff announced as he locked eyes with Goblin.  “I’m just here to kill you, nothing personal.  M’kay?  Now say, ‘toast.”

With that, Jeff sent a huge plume of hellfire directly at Goblin.  The heat from the flame instantly peeled the paint off of the surrounding walls and ignited the carpeting.  Jeff smiled to himself as he waited for the flames to clear, expecting to see a pile of burnt ash where Goblin had been standing.  When the flames cleared, there was no pile of ash.

There was, however, a very pissed off, slightly smoldering Goblin.  He stood there for a second, growling menacingly.  Jeff shot back in surprise.  Hellfire was not known for anything other than turning everything it touched into ash.  Demons, who lived in Hell, were afraid of it.  There was even a rumor that Chuck Norris was afraid of it, so the fact that Goblin was still standing there, unscathed, didn’t bode to well for Jeff.  And he knew it.

“I don’t suppose you’d be willing to surrender, now, eh?”  He flashed his best charming smile, half-hoping Goblin would take up his offer.

No such luck.  Instead, Goblin exploded with anger and tackled Jeff.  The two rolled around on the ground, with Goblin mauling him the entire time.  Jeff, for his part, was putting up an incredible fight of his own.  Once or twice, Goblin even let out a scream of pain as hellfire was shot down his throat.  With every second the battle raged, it grew nastier and more intense.

Back in the kitchen, Bob and Lost Cause were starting to come to.  Slowly, they shook the fog of their concussions away and tried to focus on their surroundings, attempting to figure out what was going on.

Lost Cause shook his head.  “Bob, I had the craziest dream,” he said.  As he looked around and saw the devastated kitchen that was blown all to shit, he added, “Looks like the kitchen had the same dream.”

Bob softly chuckled to himself.  “Yeah, me too.  We need to wake up Sam and the Doctor.  Goblin’s the nastiest, toughest bastard of a Sock that I’ve ever met, but I’m not sure how long he can go toe to toe with Jeff.”

Out in the other rooms, it sounded like a demolition derby on crack.  Loud crashing, small explosions, screaming, and horrible growling/roaring sounds filled the air.  At some points, it felt like the foundation of the house was shaking.  The noise was enough to bring Doctor Sanity out of his vacation to Dream Land and back into the world of the living.

“Doc,” Bob asked, “You okay?”

Doctor Sanity, resident mad genius, shook his head a few times and then hopped upright.  After a few seconds of testing his balance, he looked up and answered, “I’m pretty sure that I feel like that squirrel that I saw get hit by a dump truck a few weeks back.  But my brain’s okay, so I should be fine.  Or not, I don’t know.”

Bob nodded.  “That’ll have to do.  Let’s get Sam.”

As the three Sock Puppets made their way over to Sam, Goblin came crashing through the wall and skid across the floor past them.  He crashed into a pile of junk that used to be the stove.  “Hey, buddy,” Lost Cause greeted him, “How’s that whole ‘fighting the devil’ thing working out for you?”

As if to answer, Jeff came bursting into the room.  “Now I will end all of this and….”

He never finished the sentence, as Goblin launched himself into Jeff and sent the pair rolling back out into the room they just came from.  More crashing, bursts of hellfire, and explosions could be heard.  Bob was shaking his head in disbelief.  “Sam will never get those stains out.”

The three Puppets made it over to Sam.  He was out cold, slumped up against a cabinet.  “Sam,” Bob implored, “Wake your ass up.  Satan’s fucking up your house something good.  Hey, wake up, man!”

Realizing that Sam was out cold, Bob looked over at Lost Cause and Doctor Sanity and announced the obvious.  “This may take awhile.”

Lost Cause’s face lit up.  “Ooo!  I have an idea!”

“I doubt that’s even possible,” Doctor Sanity muttered.

“Anything will do at this point,” Bob said.  “What have ya’ got, LC?”

“Hang on, I’ll be right back,” he answered as he went flying off to another corner of the kitchen.

“Right.  Um, Doc, go see if maybe you can give Goblin a hand or something.”

“Okay.  What are you gonna do,” Sanity asked Bob.

“I’m going to improvise a distraction and try to buy you guys some more time.”

With that, Doc Sanity skipped out into the living room and instantly found himself standing in a smoldering, flaming in spots, heap of destruction.  Furniture was in pieces.  The walls were colored black from the soot and flame and were riddled with holes.  The carpet was ash.  The curtains were scorched and smoking.  The windows, the ones that weren’t completely blown out, were scorched black.  But there was no sign of either Goblin or Jeff.

“Hello,” the Doctor called out.  “You guys still here?”

Jeff and Goblin came crashing in from the ceiling above.  Obviously, there battle had, for a time, moved to the second floor.  The two were rolling around on the floor, locked in death grips, when the toilet came crashing down through the ceiling, landing on top of both of them.

Sanity went scampering off into another room as Goblin and Jeff each shook off the effects of having a full size toilet come crashing down on top of them.  “That fucking sucked,” Jeff finally announced.  Goblin growled his agreement.

After another second or two, Jeff was back up, hovering in the air and looking to continue the fight.  “Shall we,” he sarcastically asked Goblin.  Goblin responded by letting out the curt blast of a war growl and charged Jeff.

The two combatants collided with a sickening thud and began their death-struggle once again.  Again, however, it was broken up.  This time by a stream of thick, fire retardant foam.  The goo covered both of them.  Looking up, Goblin saw Doctor Sanity standing there, the nozzle of a fire extinguisher clutched in his mouth.

“You guys must have taken classes on how to piss me off,” Jeff announced as he tried to shake himself off.  The halo of hellfire that had surrounded him was out for a second, but then quickly reignited in a bright flash, vaporizing any of the foam that still remained on him.

Goblin shook himself off and jumped back up into a standing position, taking a spot alongside Doc Sanity.  Sanity looked over at Goblin.  “Um, I used all of the foam.  Any ideas?”

Goblin let out a half belch, half growl as he took the nozzle of the now empty fire extinguisher into his mouth.  With a sharp twist, he sent the bright red tank hurtling at Jeff.  It crashed into him and sent him careening into the charred remains of a recliner.  Doctor Sanity nodded.  “That works,” he said in an approving tone.  With that, Goblin hurtled himself back into the fray with Jeff.

Back in the kitchen, Sam shot awake with a scream.  “Ahhhhhhh,” he bellowed in pain.  “Fucking Christ, what the hell was that,” he asked as he began furiously rubbing his nose, tears streaming down from his eyes.

“You didn’t have any smelling salts, so I improvised,” Lost Cause answered.

“With what,” Sam asked, still in pain, coughing and gagging.

“I shot a blast of Windex up your nose.  I figured it had ammonia in it, so it would make a good substitute.”

“Uhhhhhgh.  Next time, leave me past out and vulnerable.  Please,” Sam answered back.

Bob came over to the pair, smiling.  “Glad to see you’re awake, guy.  We need to come up with a plan.  I called in a distraction, but I’m not sure how much time it will buy us and I’m not sure that Doc and Goblin can keep Jeff busy for much longer.

Sam shook his head.  “Did you say you called in a distraction?”

Back out in the living room, the doorbell rang.  Then the fried remains of the front door opened.  A pizza delivery guy peeked around the corner, “Hey, I got yer’ pizza.  You said to just open the door and let myself in, so…”

A thick blast of hellfire turned the unsuspecting pizza guy into cinders and charred bone fragments.  “Asshole,” Jeff muttered as he turned his attention back to the fight.

Doctor Sanity and Goblin were catching their breath.  “I hope that wasn’t the distraction Bob was talking about,” Sanity commented as he and Goblin prepared themselves for the next round.

Back in the kitchen, Sam was shaking his head in disbelief.  Lost Cause kept glancing back and forth between Bob and back out at the pile of ash that was, up until a few seconds ago, a pizza guy.

“My distractions suck,” Bob finally admitted.  “Anybody have any more ideas, because we are in desperate need of some.”

Bob, Sam, and Lost Cause huddled out in the kitchen, trying desperately to come up with something to deal with their Satan problem.  Out in the living room, Doc Sanity and Goblin were engaged in mortal combat with Jeff.  Clearly, the situation was spiraling out of control.  Something needed to be done, and fast…

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