Archive for January, 2007

He Started It!

Posted in Mister Family, Special Reports with tags , , , , , , on January 31, 2007 by Dan Cheek

A deranged maniac, who calls himself “Mister Family”, is waging a campaign on lies and intimidation against a local strip club, Gentlemen’s Club 10.  Never ones to back down from a fight, especially one involving strippers, the Sock Puppets from Hell and the Puppet Staff are standing up to this creepy bad guy.  Just consider us your average, everyday SUPER HEROES!

Mister Family is a crazy, delusional, madman who refuses to reveal his true identity.  Through his blog and occasional interviews with local media, he spouts off all sorts of crazy things, aimed at forcing Club 10 to close.  We believe he is doing this because he has a small, diseased penis.

Some of the theories he proposes on his site include;

1. Club 10 is taking advantage of US Military personnel by offering them a military discount on their cover charge.

2. Club 10 is corrupting the values of local college kids by offering them a cover charge discount if they have a valid college ID.

3. Club 10 should not be allowed to host “Bondage Night” at their club because in Florida, a man kidnapped and raped a woman to make a bondage sex video.  Additionally, Mister Family doesn’t think it’s a good idea to “de-stigmatize” bondage.

4. He claims to receive letters from local strippers “from time to time”, where they confess to him feelings of “shame and despair”.  He posts some of these “letters” on his blog.

5. Additionally, and most disturbingly, Mister Family often hides in the shadows, outside the club.  He takes pictures of the people who are entering the club and then posts them on his blog.  He claims he does this to ensure that “no criminal behavior” is occuring near the club.  He also encourages other people to do the same, and send him their pictures so he can post them, as well.  So he hides behind a stupid, creepy name and secret identity, but enjoys exposing the identities of people who visit the club.  That’s fair and ethical, right?

I’ve been to Club 10.  It was a nice place.  It isn’t dirty.  No one offered to sell me drugs or sex.  The girls were friendly.  The club is not a problem spot, at least from what I saw.  So I honestly can’t see what Mister Family’s big problem is with the place.  Basically, he’s one of those people who believes everyone should comply with his set of morals or face his wrath.

Mister Family does not allow anyone to post comments on his blog.  I’ve sent him several e-mails, asking him to better explain himself.  I even offered (repeatedly) to post his response on this site, unedited.  He has yet to respond.  He continues to stalk people outside of the club.  He continues to encourage other people to do the same.  This, in our opinion, is bullshit.  From this site, we will keep you updated on our efforts to stand up to Mister Family and his insane campaign of lies and terror.

-CHEek
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Links and Contact Info
www.MisterFamily.com  (Mister Family’s Official Blog)
stopgclub10@gmail.com  (Mister Family’s E-mail)
www.GClub10.com  (Gentlemen’s Club 10 Official Web Page)
gclub10@msn.com  (Gentlemen’s Club 10 E-mail)

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Meet Spooky

Posted in Puppet Stories with tags , , , , , , , on January 30, 2007 by Dan Cheek

Meet Spooky
By Dan CHEek
30 January 2007
© Dan Cheek 2007

“And finally,” Sam said as he walked up to the front door, preparing to leave for work, “Don’t kill anything.  I mean it.  If I come home and find one dead anything, I will bury all of you along with whatever else I have to bury.  Understand?”

He looked down at the four sock puppets.  Bob flashed a smile and they all nodded.  “We gotcha’ Sam,” Bob said in a sincere-sounding voice.  “No killing of anything.”

Sam held his gaze on them for a few seconds longer and then nodded.  Then he turned, opened the door, and left for work.  The door slammed behind him and then the house was filled with silence.  The four puppets, Bob, Doctor Sanity, Lost Cause, and Goblin stood there for a minute or so longer before Bob spoke and broke the quiet.

“So, what should we do today, fellas,” he asked.

Doctor Sanity, the resident mad-genius sock puppet, was giddy with excitement.  “Ooo!  Ooo!  Let’s kill something!”

Goblin growled his agreement.  Bob, however, was shaking his head, disapprovingly.  “Doc,” he said in a calm voice, “We just promised Sam that we wouldn’t kill anything today.  Remember?”

Doctor Sanity’s one big eye got a little bigger.  His other, much smaller eye, squinted tighter.  “I recall no such thing,” he said.  “I remember you promising Sam that we wouldn’t kill anything.  I swore nothing to no one.”

“Point taken,” Bob answered, “But no killing of anything today.  Sam will stick us in the blender if we fuck up today.  We might have been able to get away with it, assuming someone hadn’t mixed Clorox in with his eye drops.”  Everyone turned and gave hard, accusing stares in Lost Cause’s direction.

“It wasn’t me,” Lost Cause shot back defensively.  “Spooky did it.  He’s a bastard.  Although, in his defense, he was pretty high when he did it.  So perhaps he didn’t mean to be cruel.”

For a few seconds, everyone just stood there, trying to absorb that.  Finally, Doc Sanity spoke up.  “LC,” he began, “I realize that the years of heavy Windex abuse has left your brain, um, damaged, but you can’t possibly expect us to believe that your imaginary friend put real Clorox in Sam’s very real eye drops.  Just confess and accept your punishment.  Which, sadly, will probably be execution.”

“Calm down, Doc,” Bob interjected.  “LC, you need to stop all of this ‘Spooky’ talk.  I mean, it’s funny as hell watching you blame shit on this guy when Sam is here, but we are multitudes smarter than him.  So just drop it, m’k?”

“Listen you guys,” Lost Cause, the constantly manic depressed Sock Puppet, shot back, “Spooky is no figment of anything.  He’s real and I can prove it.  I’ll invite him over today and you can all meet him.”

Goblin was the first to react.  He began making laugh-like snorts, shaking his head slightly.  He then turned and left to go ravage some other part of the house.  Bob and Doctor Sanity just stood there.  Finally, Bob broke the silence.

“Lost Cause,” he said matter-of-factly, “You’re full of shit.  There is no Spooky.  You need….”

Lost Cause quickly interrupted him.  “Fine, you arrogant bastards, I’ll call him over now!”

Doctor Sanity tipped his head back and laughed.  “You don’t even know how to use the phone, you stupid puppet!  How in the shit are you going to ‘call him over?”

Lost Cause went over to the back door, stuck his head through the doggy-door that Sam had installed for Goblin and screamed at the top of his lungs, “SPOOKY!!!  C’M’ERE!!”

Bob and Doctor Sanity both looked at each other, then back at Lost Cause, who was now standing in front of the door, looking at the other two puppets.  “Now, nonbelievers, you will see that….”

The back door swung open, sending Lost Cause flying into an adjacent wall.  Standing in the doorway was a tall, lanky, dirty, and very hairy man.  He wore a World War II style aviator’s jacket, but instead of military patches, it was covered in patches that had the names and logos of various bands on them.  His hair was jet black, and was long, unkempt, and matted, matching his scraggly beard.  His eyes were bright green, but glazed over.  The man’s pants were covered in crud, torn in many spots, and were obviously three sizes too big for his skinny frame.  A thick leather belt, with a big, yellow smiley face for a buckle held them up.  A pair of thrashed and trashed skater shoes completed the ensemble.

Bob and Doctor Sanity stood there, mouths hanging open in disbelief.  Finally, Bob was able to form words.  “Um, Spooky?”

The man’s eyes were rolling around in his head, aimlessly.  Finally, the focused themselves as he looked down at Bob and Sanity.  “Whoa…you know my name?  Are you the Gate Keeper?”

Doctor Sanity looked at Bob and then back up at Spooky.  “No, ass, I’m the Key Master.”  The Doctor then turned his attention to Lost Cause, who was still shaking off his concussion.  “Nice, LC,” the Doctor chided, “You’ve made friends with a crack head.  And here I was beginning to think you had no social skills.”

At this, Goblin came tearing ass into the kitchen.  His head darted around wildly, looking around for something new to destroy.  It didn’t take him long to see Spooky standing there in the doorway.  Goblin’s eyes narrowed and his body tensed, as if he were about to pounce.

“Well, I think this is the part where you get eaten, my friend,” Bob said in a dry tone.  “It was lovely meeting you.”

For a long second, no one breathed.  Everyone stood there, tense, waiting for Goblin to perform his usual “kill everything” magic trick.  Instead, Goblin took a couple of sniffs and then relaxed.  He slowly moved towards Spooky, who was still standing there, eyes glazed over, not really knowing what was going on.  Goblin, now standing right next to Spooky’s right leg, sniffed some more.  His eyes narrowed and then widened again.

What he did next shocked everyone.  Instead of turning Spooky into ribbons of bloody meat, he quietly chuckled to himself and then headed back to the living room.  Bob and Doctor Sanity stood there, mouths hanging open in disbelief.  Slowly, Lost Cause was getting upright again, shaking off his blunt trauma induced head injury.

“Let’s eat,” Spooky said as he broke the silence, unaware of the high drama that had just occurred in front of him.  Lost Cause was now up and moving and together, he and Spooky wandered over to the refrigerator.  Spooky opened the door and the two peered inside, oogling all of the food and beverages as they began to plan their meal.

Bob and Doctor Sanity turned and left the other two to their own devices as they made their way out into the living room.  There, Goblin was sitting on the couch, enthralled in some Discovery Channel special featuring naked Canadian lumberjacks and porcupines.  Bob and the Doctor hopped up on the couch next to Goblin, who didn’t take his eyes off of the television screen.

After a minute, Doc Sanity began shaking his head, obviously pissed.  “This fucking blows,” he finally stammered.  He looked at Goblin, “Why the hell didn’t you eat that dirty hippy?”

Goblin barked something that sounded between a growl, a burp, and a small explosion.  “Bullshit,” Doctor Sanity shot back at Goblin, countering whatever he had just said, “I’ve seen you eat a diseased skunk.”

Goblin grumbled/barked/growled something else, again, never taking his eyes off the television.  “Don’t fucking tell me you weren’t hungry.  Listen, Goblin, I have an IQ that…”

Goblin turned and shot out a growl/scream that rattled windows in the next room.  At this, Doctor Sanity realized he had pushed Goblin to the limit and any further prodding would probably result in mass bleeding and dismemberment.  “Fine.  You weren’t hungry,” Sanity finally said in a diplomatic voice.

“Let it go, Doc,” Bob said.  “Goblin will do what Goblin does.  He didn’t eat Spooky today, maybe he’ll eat him tomorrow.”

Just then, Spooky and Lost Cause came meandering into the living room.  Instead of settling on the couch, with the others, they made their way over to a pair of recliners that were positioned over by the large window that overlooked the front yard.  The two perched themselves there.

Bob and Doctor Sanity, obviously confused, looked at each other and then back at the Lost Cause and Spooky.  Finally, Bob asked, “What the hell are you two doing?  Over there, I mean.  Can’t you see the television is turned on?”

“And while we’re on the subject,” Doc Sanity interjected, “Why do you hang out with this breathing sack of bong water, Lost Cause?”

“Because he smells like hotdogs, I guess,” Lost Cause answered in an uninterested tone.

“I like hotdogs,” Spooky said, to no one in particular.

“Yeah,” Lost Cause responded.  “And as for your question, Bob, we’re watching the neighbor’s sheep.”

“Why are you doing that,” Doc Sanity asked.  “That fucking this is retarded.”

Spooky turned and looked over at the Sanity and the others.  “Yeah, man, but before I came over, I gave the sheep some Ecstasy and some Speed.”

At this, Goblin, Bob, and Lost Cause went rushing over to the window and hopped up on the chair next to Lost Cause.  Goblin began laughing so hard he fell off the recliner.  Bob and Sanity were also instantly entertained.

Outside, the neighbor’s pet sheep was hopped up on both Speed and E.  The sheep was going bonkers.  As the Puppets and Spooky sat there, watching, the sheep attacked a mailman, a UPS delivery woman, two garbage cans, and a squirrel.  In between it’s assaults, which consisted of a combination of tackling, biting, humping, and kicking, the sheep would run around and tear clumps of grass out of the yard, kick holes through picket fences, and ravage flower gardens.

A few hours later, Sam finally came back home.  He opened the front door, came in, and closed the door.  He then turned and looked at the four puppets, who were sitting there by the window, still watching the sheep rampage outside.

For a minute, Sam just stood there.  Finally, reluctantly, he asked, “Um, guys, why is there a sheep raping a pizza delivery guy on the front lawn?  And why do I have the sneaking suspicion that you are responsible for this abomination?”

Bob turned and looked at Sam, “First of all, that sheep is addled with all sorts of neat little mind altering drugs.  So he’s doing what he’s doing because he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  And second, we had absolutely nothing to do with this.  Spooky gave that sheep the drugs.  We’re just watching.”

Sam stood there and then, after a long couple of seconds, nodded his head.  “Right.  I’m going to bed.  Wake me up when the police come for me.”

“Will do, Sam,” Doctor Sanity answered as Sam made his way upstairs.  He then looked over at Lost Cause, “Hey, invite Spooky over tomorrow.  He’s fucking awesome.”

Who is “Mister Family”?

Posted in Mister Family, Special Reports with tags , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2007 by Dan Cheek

Mister Family is a religious extremist who operates in North Eastern Pennsylvania.  He is fanatically opposed to all forms of adult entertainment, particularly a large new strip club that opened in Wilkes-Barre, PA.  The club, Gentlemen’s Club 10, has been the target of Mister Family’s since plans for the club were announced several months ago.

Mister Family keeps his identity secret.  However, he has a sick fascination with publicly exposing patrons of Club 10. He has routinely taken pictures of people as they enter the club.  He has also taken pictures of people’s license plates while they were inside of the club. He then posts these pictures on his blog (www.MisterFamily.com).

The Puppet Staff has decided to make it a priority to expose Mister Family’s identity and to stand up to his campaign of lies and intimidation.  Next to alcohol and midget porn, the occasional visit to a local strip club is the only thing that keeps us from being institutionalized.  Anyone who tries to fuck with our beer, our midget porn or our favorite strippers will have to answer to us.

You can follow all of our efforts to thwart the maniacal bastard that is Mister Family right here, on this site.   Stay tuned.

-CHEek
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

The Jeff Saga – Part Four: Checkmate!

Posted in Puppet Stories with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2007 by Dan Cheek

“Jeff – Part Four: Checkmate”
By Dan Cheek
26 January 2007
© Dan Cheek 2007

Goblin and Doctor Sanity were clearly in a bad situation.  The two Sock Puppets were engaged in a heated battle with Jeff, the Devil himself who, for whatever reason, was stuck in the form of a floating, flaming cardboard cutout.  Goblin, normally a dynamo of energy, was beginning to tire.  Doc Sanity, who was more brain than brawn, was ready to collapse.  Only the threat of instant death was keeping him awake and in the fight.

Currently, the two Sock Puppets were moving at full speed down the downstairs hallway.  Jeff, the Master of Evil, was speeding after them, sending shots of Hellfire in their direction.  Goblin and Sanity made their way into the computer room, which served as Sam’s office and prepared to continue the battle there.

They didn’t have long to prepare.  Jeff came bursting through the wall, choosing to make his own doorway rather than use the one provided.  Doc Sanity was waiting for him, standing over near a bookshelf.  “Hello, Devil,” he said in a friendly voice, “This next part will probably hurt.  I hope…”

With that, a full size laser printer flying into Jeff, hurtled by Goblin.  The impact knocked Jeff into the wall.  He fell to the floor, the printer landing on top of him, shattering into a bagillion pieces.  If the wind was knocked out of Jeff, it didn’t show.  He was, in a quick second, already starting to get back up.

He started to get back up.  A full size monitor, and not one of those light-weight flat panel types, came hurtling into Jeff, again slamming him into the same wall and then the floor.  Before he could start to get back up, a large personal computer crashed down on top of him.  With a sharp growl, Jeff shot back up into the air.

This time, Goblin came flying into the picture.  He slammed into Jeff, latching on to him with his razor sharp teeth.  The two went crashing through the wall, landing them back out in the hallway.  As they hit the ground, Jeff quipped, “And here I was half expecting to be hit with a keyboard.”

Back out in the wrecked remains of the kitchen, Sam, Bob, and Lost Cause were huddled up, attempting to come up with a plan to deal with Jeff.  “Does he,” Sam asked, “Have any weaknesses or anything.  Maybe some type of allergies?”

Bob, leader of the Sock Puppets, shook his head.  “No.  At least no weaknesses that we know about.  And as for the allergy question, um, that was just stupid.  He’s the fucking Devil.”

Lost Cause, who suffered from constant manic depression, looked up with an idea.  “Hey guys,” he suggested, “I bet there’s something in Doctor Sanity’s lab that we could use on Jeff.  He’s got all sorts of crazy-wacky science stuff up there.”

Sam looked over at Lost Cause.  “I thought I told you guys to get rid of the lab and all that shit.”

Bob nodded his head.  “You did.  We just ignored you.  I’m sure one day, maybe with some therapy, you’ll forgive us.”

“So is there anything up there that might work,” Sam asked.  The sounds of the ongoing battle in the other part of the house were getting louder and closer.

“Possibly,” Bob answered in a hesitant voice, “I’m not really sure what all he’s got up there.  Lots of weird shit, I know that much.  I suppose at this point, though, it’s our best shot.”

Doctor Sanity’s lab was located up in the attic of the house.  In order to get there, Sam and the Sock Puppets would have to make their way past Jeff, hoping Goblin and Sanity could keep him distracted, and then make their way up the stairs and then from there, up  another set of stairs that led to the attic.

Sam, Bob, and Lost Cause came bolting out of the kitchen and ran past Doctor Sanity and Goblin, who were locked in a death match with Jeff.  “Oh good,” Sanity exclaimed as the three others ran past.  “You’ve come to help.”

“Nope,” Bob answered back, “We’re going upstairs for a few minutes.  Just keep doing what you’re doing for a little while longer.”

As the three made their way up the stairs, the battle continued on behind them.  “Don’t be long,” Jeff called after them, as Goblin was chewing on him, “This party is just starting to get good.”  He was going to say something else, but was cut off when Doc Sanity slammed a flower pot down on his face.

The attic, as attics often are, was poorly lit.  It was also hot and dusty.  As Sam and the Puppets made their way up the creaky wooden stairs that led up into the attic, Sam began looking around.  Out of fear of what he might find, and not really wanting to know, he rarely came up here.  He knew that Doctor Sanity, the resident mad genius Sock Puppet, spent a lot of time up here, but he wasn’t sure what exactly he did.

When Sam made it to the top of the stairs, he stopped and looked around in shock and disbelief.  The place was littered with all sorts of junk, bottles of chemicals, electrical components, and tools of every sort.  “Seems like the Doc has been busy,” Lost Cause said after a bit.

“I guess,” Sam said as he stood there, shaking his head.  “Lets look around and see what we can find.”  The trio split up and began sifting through the piles of strange looking equipment.  There was a lot to sift through.  Here and there, a few tables were set up and were covered with all sorts of hi-tech looking gadgets, wires, bolts, and schematic drawings.  Boxes of parts and strange looking devices were everywhere.

“Hey,” Bob called out after a bit of rummaging, “I think I might have found something!”  Lost Cause and Sam came running over to see what Bob had discovered.  He was standing there in front of a large, television sized metal box.  It was covered in warning stickers, some of which had atomic radiation symbols on them.  One of the warnings read, “Warning: Do Not Operate If You Are Pregnant or If You Have Ever Milked A Cow.”

“This is definitely something,” Bob said.  “Any ideas about what it is,” he asked the other two.  Lost Cause stood there, shaking his head.  Sam had a quizzical look on his face that indicated that he had no idea, either.

“Um,” Sam said scratching his head, “It’s some sort of metal box, obviously.  Maybe there’s something inside of it.”  Sam reached down and opened the lid of the box.  As he lifted it, it made a hissing sound and a cloud of gas, some sort of coolant, escaped and wafted into the air.  Once the lid was off and the cloud of vapory white gas had cleared, the three looked into the box.

They instantly wished they hadn’t.  “Fucking God,” Bob screamed out in horror.  Sam began making heaving and gagging noises as he did his best not to vomit.  Lost Cause went running over into the corner where he curled up into a ball and began softly weeping.

“Put the lid back on!  Put the lid back on,” Bob yelled at Sam.  Quickly, Sam threw the lid back on and took a step back, wiping beads of sweat from his forehead.  “Christ,” Bob said after he had calmed down a bit, “How much German-schiza-midget porn does a person need?”

“Apparently a lot,” Sam answered.  “C’mon, let’s keep looking.”

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and a blast of flame shot up the stairs, into the attic.  Doctor Sanity and Goblin came rushing up and joined the others.  “Things are about to get bad,” Doc Sanity announced as he struggled to catch his breath.

Another blast of hellfire shot up the stairs and everyone scattered.  In an instant, Jeff was there, floating in the doorway of the attic, blocking the only escape route.  “Good, we’re all together in one place, now,” he said in a menacing voice, “Who wants to die first?”

Damned Sam

Posted in Puppet Stories with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2007 by Dan Cheek

“Damned Sam”
By George Major
7 January 2007
© George Major 2007

Sam stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing his teeth when Lost Cause entered.

“ Oh Sam I’m so proud of you,” he said, “you’re finally taking my advice about ‘the cure.’” He says indicating a bottle of Windex on the bathroom counter.

“ Uh no,” Sam responds, “ Goblin was the last one in here, so I had to clean the blood off the mirror.”

“ Suit yourself,” Lost Cause sighs and exits. Sam finishes in the bathroom undisturbed.

He heads down to the kitchen where Bob, Dr. Sanity, and Lost Cause are all assembled and talking amongst themselves.

“Oh Sam,” Dr. Sanity hails him as he tries to sneak by unnoticed.

“Yes.” Sam says almost shuddering.

“Your credit card has been maxed out, I wouldn’t suggest using it for a while.”

“I’m afraid to ask,” this time he does shudder, “why is my card maxed out?”

“Well,” Bob begins, “after the Jehovah’s witnesses incident we decided it was high time to beef up the security around the entrances.”

“Yes and some of the essential components,” Dr. Sanity picks up, “were rather difficult to come by and are not entirely legal to have in one’s possession in this country. We had to order them from an arms dealer we found on the Internet.”

“So you used my credit card to buy illegal weaponry off the Internet.”

“Yes we had it next day delivered,” Dr. Sanity puts in helpfully. “It’s in the living room if you’d like to take a look.”

Sam sighs, but walks into the living room to find large crates with Asian looking markings on them and the universal Radiation Hazard symbol. “ You ordered nuclear weapons with my credit card off the internet?”

 “ Yes that Kim Jong Il fellow was very kind, when we explained our situation, he gave us a great discount.” Dr. Sanity says.

“ You realize they can trace that shit? My house will be swarming with cops before the weeks out.”  He sits heavily into a chair and his head hits the table.

“I’ll go fix you a glass of Windex-milk.” Lost Cause gets up and heads for the fridge.

“No,” Sam shouts, “at least in jail I’ll be rid of you four.”

“Actually the police have already been here.” Bobs says. “We, uh… Took care of them.”

“ It was a great field test for the napalm mines I wired up along the walk way as warnings, only one was hardy enough to make it all the way to the door…” He pauses for at that moment Goblin passes by, he is covered in blood and merrily chewing on what might have been a badge at one time.

“ You napalmed fucking cops?!” His head hits the table again. “ This can’t be happening. Did I rape the Pope in a past life? ”

“ Oh don’t be so gloomy it was an excellent success my boy,” Dr. Sanity chimes in, “ I had my doubts the warnings would detonate at all what with the limited time and the wire we took from your…”

“ I hate it when he gets all technical,” Lost Cause interrupts, “ it’s so depressing.”  

“And what about the car?” Sam inquires. “ The police car isn’t still sitting in the driveway is it?”

“Of course not my dear boy,” Dr. Sanity assures him, “ we have severely altered its appearance and dumped it in the nearest available body of water.”

“So you blew it up and dumped it into the neighbor’s pool?”

“ Well we couldn’t drive an exploded police cruiser all the way to the lake.” Bob says matter-of-factly.

“ I told them it was a bad idea,” Lost Cause adds, “ but no one ever listens to me.” At that moment there is a loud explosion from the front lawn.

“ What the fuck was that?” Sam demands. They all go to the front door and look out. The smell of burnt hair and seared meat is prominent, and there is a large unidentifiable heap of blackened flesh on the walkway.

“ I always thought he just threw the paper to the door step.” Bob says, “ We should’ve given him a bigger tip for hand delivering like that.”

“ Oh god, the Higgins kid!” Sam slams the door shut he is hyperventilating. “ We just killed the paper boy.” He says, more to himself than anybody else. Goblin opens the front door, from outside they hear the sound of the paperboy’s body being dragged through the yard then the bilco doors being opened and the body heaved down the stairs into the cellar, the doors are then slammed shut and from the basement there is a great deal of chomping and crunching.

“ I’m gonna be sick.” Sam says and head back to the kitchen. “ I’m going to work now, DO NOT kill any one else today.” He heads for the back door.

“ Oh, Sam,” Dr. Sanity calls, “ only step on the brown spaces, and the security system will be installed and fully operational by the time you get home so you’ll have to climb in through your bedroom window from now on.”

“ My bedroom window? On the second floor?”

“ Who is going to think of your bedroom window unless you tell them? We won’t have as many unexpected visitors.” Bob adds helpfully.

“ I’ll have a nice tall glass of Windex milk on the counter for you.” Lost Cause says. Sam exits through the back door, noting that all the paving stones of the walkway are varying shades of brown. He closes the door very softly behind him and cuts through the lawn to his car. He drives off with a feeling of dread settling into his stomach.

The day passes uneventfully and Sam returns home to the house still standing. Following Dr. Sanity’s advise he takes a ladder from the garden shed and enters the house through his bedroom window. He makes his way downstairs to find the Sock Puppets all but Goblin sitting at the table.

“ Ah, Sam, How was your day?” Dr. Sanity greets him, grinning.

“ What did you do?” Sam demands.

“ We got Chinese.” Bob says, Dr. Sanity’s grin widens as does Sam’s eyes.

“ It was a smashing success,” Dr. Sanity says cheerily, “When he inhaled the irradiated hydrogen he just melted from the inside out. I saved a sample in a takeout box for further analysis.”

“ All I asked was that you not kill anyone else today.” Sam sits down at the table. “Was there any one else?”

“ Well,” Bob begins, “ no we haven’t killed anyone else today but there was the pizza lady.”

“ Pizza lady?” Sam asks not trying to hide the anxiety in his voice.

“ Yes she got the wrong house,” Dr. Sanity explains, “ but the Hydrogen hadn’t been replenished. The effects weren’t lethal, but she been driven quite mad.”

“ I fixed her a nice tall glass of Windex milk and put her in the closet.” Lost Cause adds helpfully.

“ And Goblin has been terrorizing her since?” Sam guesses.

“ Oh no we knew you’d want to try and help so we put Sleepless in Seattle in, Goblins been on the couch for a while.” Bob assures him.

“ Alright,” Sam sighs, “ lets go see her.” The sock puppets lead him to the hallway closet, the door is closed firmly and just outside is a tall glass of slightly blue tinted milk. Sam prepares himself, takes a few deep breaths and opens the door.

 “THEBUNNIESMADEPAINONME!!!!!!” The woman screamed from the corner of the closet where she cowered. She was naked except for a baseball cap with Tonie’s Pizza written on it and she had what Sam could only guess were radiation burns around her nose and mouth. Her eyes wandered wildly from the ceiling to the sock puppets and back until she caught sight of Sam.

Their eyes met for she motioned him over with a wave of her hand. Sam steps into the room, she motions him forward again and he cautiously approaches her. He is standing beside her and she motions for him again to lean down. He does so very slowly until they are eye level. She looks warily at the sock puppets, and then apparently deciding they are far enough away leans to Sam’s ear and whispers conspiratorially. “The bunnies fried my waffle.”

She then grabs Sam’s head in both hands and thrusts his face between her breasts. She begins stroking the back of his head and in a sing-song tone says, “ You’re such a good, little puppy and you’ll chase the nasty bunny rabbits away won’t you. You’ll say, ‘woof woof’ for mommy and those bunnies will run scared.”

“ Oh my God what they done to you.” Sam asks.

“ OHMYGOD you pervert what did you do with my puppy?” She pushes Sam away screaming. Her screams become coughs as she tries to stand up. She falls forward onto Sam crying.

“ Please let me get you an ambulance.” Sam begs as she lay atop him sobbing.

“ My poor puppy!” she wails then begins coughing again. Her coughing becomes more violent and the breaths between more labored. She begins vomiting blood and with one last effort throws herself off of Sam and collapses into a heap on the floor.

“ It appears she died.” Dr. Sanity observes once she has grown completely still.

“ And she didn’t even finish her drink.” Lost Cause complains.

“ I’m going to be sick.” Sam declares and runs out of the closet and up the stairs.