Damned Sam

“Damned Sam”
By George Major
7 January 2007
© George Major 2007

Sam stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing his teeth when Lost Cause entered.

“ Oh Sam I’m so proud of you,” he said, “you’re finally taking my advice about ‘the cure.’” He says indicating a bottle of Windex on the bathroom counter.

“ Uh no,” Sam responds, “ Goblin was the last one in here, so I had to clean the blood off the mirror.”

“ Suit yourself,” Lost Cause sighs and exits. Sam finishes in the bathroom undisturbed.

He heads down to the kitchen where Bob, Dr. Sanity, and Lost Cause are all assembled and talking amongst themselves.

“Oh Sam,” Dr. Sanity hails him as he tries to sneak by unnoticed.

“Yes.” Sam says almost shuddering.

“Your credit card has been maxed out, I wouldn’t suggest using it for a while.”

“I’m afraid to ask,” this time he does shudder, “why is my card maxed out?”

“Well,” Bob begins, “after the Jehovah’s witnesses incident we decided it was high time to beef up the security around the entrances.”

“Yes and some of the essential components,” Dr. Sanity picks up, “were rather difficult to come by and are not entirely legal to have in one’s possession in this country. We had to order them from an arms dealer we found on the Internet.”

“So you used my credit card to buy illegal weaponry off the Internet.”

“Yes we had it next day delivered,” Dr. Sanity puts in helpfully. “It’s in the living room if you’d like to take a look.”

Sam sighs, but walks into the living room to find large crates with Asian looking markings on them and the universal Radiation Hazard symbol. “ You ordered nuclear weapons with my credit card off the internet?”

 “ Yes that Kim Jong Il fellow was very kind, when we explained our situation, he gave us a great discount.” Dr. Sanity says.

“ You realize they can trace that shit? My house will be swarming with cops before the weeks out.”  He sits heavily into a chair and his head hits the table.

“I’ll go fix you a glass of Windex-milk.” Lost Cause gets up and heads for the fridge.

“No,” Sam shouts, “at least in jail I’ll be rid of you four.”

“Actually the police have already been here.” Bobs says. “We, uh… Took care of them.”

“ It was a great field test for the napalm mines I wired up along the walk way as warnings, only one was hardy enough to make it all the way to the door…” He pauses for at that moment Goblin passes by, he is covered in blood and merrily chewing on what might have been a badge at one time.

“ You napalmed fucking cops?!” His head hits the table again. “ This can’t be happening. Did I rape the Pope in a past life? ”

“ Oh don’t be so gloomy it was an excellent success my boy,” Dr. Sanity chimes in, “ I had my doubts the warnings would detonate at all what with the limited time and the wire we took from your…”

“ I hate it when he gets all technical,” Lost Cause interrupts, “ it’s so depressing.”  

“And what about the car?” Sam inquires. “ The police car isn’t still sitting in the driveway is it?”

“Of course not my dear boy,” Dr. Sanity assures him, “ we have severely altered its appearance and dumped it in the nearest available body of water.”

“So you blew it up and dumped it into the neighbor’s pool?”

“ Well we couldn’t drive an exploded police cruiser all the way to the lake.” Bob says matter-of-factly.

“ I told them it was a bad idea,” Lost Cause adds, “ but no one ever listens to me.” At that moment there is a loud explosion from the front lawn.

“ What the fuck was that?” Sam demands. They all go to the front door and look out. The smell of burnt hair and seared meat is prominent, and there is a large unidentifiable heap of blackened flesh on the walkway.

“ I always thought he just threw the paper to the door step.” Bob says, “ We should’ve given him a bigger tip for hand delivering like that.”

“ Oh god, the Higgins kid!” Sam slams the door shut he is hyperventilating. “ We just killed the paper boy.” He says, more to himself than anybody else. Goblin opens the front door, from outside they hear the sound of the paperboy’s body being dragged through the yard then the bilco doors being opened and the body heaved down the stairs into the cellar, the doors are then slammed shut and from the basement there is a great deal of chomping and crunching.

“ I’m gonna be sick.” Sam says and head back to the kitchen. “ I’m going to work now, DO NOT kill any one else today.” He heads for the back door.

“ Oh, Sam,” Dr. Sanity calls, “ only step on the brown spaces, and the security system will be installed and fully operational by the time you get home so you’ll have to climb in through your bedroom window from now on.”

“ My bedroom window? On the second floor?”

“ Who is going to think of your bedroom window unless you tell them? We won’t have as many unexpected visitors.” Bob adds helpfully.

“ I’ll have a nice tall glass of Windex milk on the counter for you.” Lost Cause says. Sam exits through the back door, noting that all the paving stones of the walkway are varying shades of brown. He closes the door very softly behind him and cuts through the lawn to his car. He drives off with a feeling of dread settling into his stomach.

The day passes uneventfully and Sam returns home to the house still standing. Following Dr. Sanity’s advise he takes a ladder from the garden shed and enters the house through his bedroom window. He makes his way downstairs to find the Sock Puppets all but Goblin sitting at the table.

“ Ah, Sam, How was your day?” Dr. Sanity greets him, grinning.

“ What did you do?” Sam demands.

“ We got Chinese.” Bob says, Dr. Sanity’s grin widens as does Sam’s eyes.

“ It was a smashing success,” Dr. Sanity says cheerily, “When he inhaled the irradiated hydrogen he just melted from the inside out. I saved a sample in a takeout box for further analysis.”

“ All I asked was that you not kill anyone else today.” Sam sits down at the table. “Was there any one else?”

“ Well,” Bob begins, “ no we haven’t killed anyone else today but there was the pizza lady.”

“ Pizza lady?” Sam asks not trying to hide the anxiety in his voice.

“ Yes she got the wrong house,” Dr. Sanity explains, “ but the Hydrogen hadn’t been replenished. The effects weren’t lethal, but she been driven quite mad.”

“ I fixed her a nice tall glass of Windex milk and put her in the closet.” Lost Cause adds helpfully.

“ And Goblin has been terrorizing her since?” Sam guesses.

“ Oh no we knew you’d want to try and help so we put Sleepless in Seattle in, Goblins been on the couch for a while.” Bob assures him.

“ Alright,” Sam sighs, “ lets go see her.” The sock puppets lead him to the hallway closet, the door is closed firmly and just outside is a tall glass of slightly blue tinted milk. Sam prepares himself, takes a few deep breaths and opens the door.

 “THEBUNNIESMADEPAINONME!!!!!!” The woman screamed from the corner of the closet where she cowered. She was naked except for a baseball cap with Tonie’s Pizza written on it and she had what Sam could only guess were radiation burns around her nose and mouth. Her eyes wandered wildly from the ceiling to the sock puppets and back until she caught sight of Sam.

Their eyes met for she motioned him over with a wave of her hand. Sam steps into the room, she motions him forward again and he cautiously approaches her. He is standing beside her and she motions for him again to lean down. He does so very slowly until they are eye level. She looks warily at the sock puppets, and then apparently deciding they are far enough away leans to Sam’s ear and whispers conspiratorially. “The bunnies fried my waffle.”

She then grabs Sam’s head in both hands and thrusts his face between her breasts. She begins stroking the back of his head and in a sing-song tone says, “ You’re such a good, little puppy and you’ll chase the nasty bunny rabbits away won’t you. You’ll say, ‘woof woof’ for mommy and those bunnies will run scared.”

“ Oh my God what they done to you.” Sam asks.

“ OHMYGOD you pervert what did you do with my puppy?” She pushes Sam away screaming. Her screams become coughs as she tries to stand up. She falls forward onto Sam crying.

“ Please let me get you an ambulance.” Sam begs as she lay atop him sobbing.

“ My poor puppy!” she wails then begins coughing again. Her coughing becomes more violent and the breaths between more labored. She begins vomiting blood and with one last effort throws herself off of Sam and collapses into a heap on the floor.

“ It appears she died.” Dr. Sanity observes once she has grown completely still.

“ And she didn’t even finish her drink.” Lost Cause complains.

“ I’m going to be sick.” Sam declares and runs out of the closet and up the stairs.


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