The Jeff Saga – Part Four: Checkmate!

“Jeff – Part Four: Checkmate”
By Dan Cheek
26 January 2007
© Dan Cheek 2007

Goblin and Doctor Sanity were clearly in a bad situation.  The two Sock Puppets were engaged in a heated battle with Jeff, the Devil himself who, for whatever reason, was stuck in the form of a floating, flaming cardboard cutout.  Goblin, normally a dynamo of energy, was beginning to tire.  Doc Sanity, who was more brain than brawn, was ready to collapse.  Only the threat of instant death was keeping him awake and in the fight.

Currently, the two Sock Puppets were moving at full speed down the downstairs hallway.  Jeff, the Master of Evil, was speeding after them, sending shots of Hellfire in their direction.  Goblin and Sanity made their way into the computer room, which served as Sam’s office and prepared to continue the battle there.

They didn’t have long to prepare.  Jeff came bursting through the wall, choosing to make his own doorway rather than use the one provided.  Doc Sanity was waiting for him, standing over near a bookshelf.  “Hello, Devil,” he said in a friendly voice, “This next part will probably hurt.  I hope…”

With that, a full size laser printer flying into Jeff, hurtled by Goblin.  The impact knocked Jeff into the wall.  He fell to the floor, the printer landing on top of him, shattering into a bagillion pieces.  If the wind was knocked out of Jeff, it didn’t show.  He was, in a quick second, already starting to get back up.

He started to get back up.  A full size monitor, and not one of those light-weight flat panel types, came hurtling into Jeff, again slamming him into the same wall and then the floor.  Before he could start to get back up, a large personal computer crashed down on top of him.  With a sharp growl, Jeff shot back up into the air.

This time, Goblin came flying into the picture.  He slammed into Jeff, latching on to him with his razor sharp teeth.  The two went crashing through the wall, landing them back out in the hallway.  As they hit the ground, Jeff quipped, “And here I was half expecting to be hit with a keyboard.”

Back out in the wrecked remains of the kitchen, Sam, Bob, and Lost Cause were huddled up, attempting to come up with a plan to deal with Jeff.  “Does he,” Sam asked, “Have any weaknesses or anything.  Maybe some type of allergies?”

Bob, leader of the Sock Puppets, shook his head.  “No.  At least no weaknesses that we know about.  And as for the allergy question, um, that was just stupid.  He’s the fucking Devil.”

Lost Cause, who suffered from constant manic depression, looked up with an idea.  “Hey guys,” he suggested, “I bet there’s something in Doctor Sanity’s lab that we could use on Jeff.  He’s got all sorts of crazy-wacky science stuff up there.”

Sam looked over at Lost Cause.  “I thought I told you guys to get rid of the lab and all that shit.”

Bob nodded his head.  “You did.  We just ignored you.  I’m sure one day, maybe with some therapy, you’ll forgive us.”

“So is there anything up there that might work,” Sam asked.  The sounds of the ongoing battle in the other part of the house were getting louder and closer.

“Possibly,” Bob answered in a hesitant voice, “I’m not really sure what all he’s got up there.  Lots of weird shit, I know that much.  I suppose at this point, though, it’s our best shot.”

Doctor Sanity’s lab was located up in the attic of the house.  In order to get there, Sam and the Sock Puppets would have to make their way past Jeff, hoping Goblin and Sanity could keep him distracted, and then make their way up the stairs and then from there, up  another set of stairs that led to the attic.

Sam, Bob, and Lost Cause came bolting out of the kitchen and ran past Doctor Sanity and Goblin, who were locked in a death match with Jeff.  “Oh good,” Sanity exclaimed as the three others ran past.  “You’ve come to help.”

“Nope,” Bob answered back, “We’re going upstairs for a few minutes.  Just keep doing what you’re doing for a little while longer.”

As the three made their way up the stairs, the battle continued on behind them.  “Don’t be long,” Jeff called after them, as Goblin was chewing on him, “This party is just starting to get good.”  He was going to say something else, but was cut off when Doc Sanity slammed a flower pot down on his face.

The attic, as attics often are, was poorly lit.  It was also hot and dusty.  As Sam and the Puppets made their way up the creaky wooden stairs that led up into the attic, Sam began looking around.  Out of fear of what he might find, and not really wanting to know, he rarely came up here.  He knew that Doctor Sanity, the resident mad genius Sock Puppet, spent a lot of time up here, but he wasn’t sure what exactly he did.

When Sam made it to the top of the stairs, he stopped and looked around in shock and disbelief.  The place was littered with all sorts of junk, bottles of chemicals, electrical components, and tools of every sort.  “Seems like the Doc has been busy,” Lost Cause said after a bit.

“I guess,” Sam said as he stood there, shaking his head.  “Lets look around and see what we can find.”  The trio split up and began sifting through the piles of strange looking equipment.  There was a lot to sift through.  Here and there, a few tables were set up and were covered with all sorts of hi-tech looking gadgets, wires, bolts, and schematic drawings.  Boxes of parts and strange looking devices were everywhere.

“Hey,” Bob called out after a bit of rummaging, “I think I might have found something!”  Lost Cause and Sam came running over to see what Bob had discovered.  He was standing there in front of a large, television sized metal box.  It was covered in warning stickers, some of which had atomic radiation symbols on them.  One of the warnings read, “Warning: Do Not Operate If You Are Pregnant or If You Have Ever Milked A Cow.”

“This is definitely something,” Bob said.  “Any ideas about what it is,” he asked the other two.  Lost Cause stood there, shaking his head.  Sam had a quizzical look on his face that indicated that he had no idea, either.

“Um,” Sam said scratching his head, “It’s some sort of metal box, obviously.  Maybe there’s something inside of it.”  Sam reached down and opened the lid of the box.  As he lifted it, it made a hissing sound and a cloud of gas, some sort of coolant, escaped and wafted into the air.  Once the lid was off and the cloud of vapory white gas had cleared, the three looked into the box.

They instantly wished they hadn’t.  “Fucking God,” Bob screamed out in horror.  Sam began making heaving and gagging noises as he did his best not to vomit.  Lost Cause went running over into the corner where he curled up into a ball and began softly weeping.

“Put the lid back on!  Put the lid back on,” Bob yelled at Sam.  Quickly, Sam threw the lid back on and took a step back, wiping beads of sweat from his forehead.  “Christ,” Bob said after he had calmed down a bit, “How much German-schiza-midget porn does a person need?”

“Apparently a lot,” Sam answered.  “C’mon, let’s keep looking.”

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and a blast of flame shot up the stairs, into the attic.  Doctor Sanity and Goblin came rushing up and joined the others.  “Things are about to get bad,” Doc Sanity announced as he struggled to catch his breath.

Another blast of hellfire shot up the stairs and everyone scattered.  In an instant, Jeff was there, floating in the doorway of the attic, blocking the only escape route.  “Good, we’re all together in one place, now,” he said in a menacing voice, “Who wants to die first?”

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