The Jeff Saga – Part Five: For the Hell of It

“Jeff – Part Five: For the Hell of It”
By Dan Cheek
13 April 2007
© Dan Cheek 2007

“Before I kill you,” Jeff said in a slow, menacing voice, “I just want to take a moment to explain to you how much I’m about to enjoy this.  And to let you know that what you’re about to experience will be unimaginably slow and painful.”

“Actually,” Bob interrupted, “You kind of already said that.  Back when you first got here.  So now you’re just repeating yourself and that makes you look silly.”

Jeff’s glowing red eyes narrowed to burning slits.  A low growl came out of his mouth, originating wherever his throat was located in that cardboard anatomy of his.  “Forgive me,” he said at last, “But I’ve suffered a lot of head trauma over the past several minutes.  Now stand still and feel free to scream while I blast you out of existence.”

“If anyone has any ideas,” Sam said in a low voice, “Don’t hesitate to give it a go.”

“Time to release the monkey,” Doctor Sanity said in a determined voice.

“Monkey,” everyone, including Jeff, repeated in a shocked voice, each unsure of what they had just heard.

“Please tell me you don’t have a monkey up here,” Sam said in a voice that indicated that he knew that the Doctor really did have a monkey up here.

“Enough,” Jeff boomed in a giant voice that didn’t quite match his small cardboard form.  “No more games.  No more bullshit.  No more hitting me in the face with heavy things.  And if anyone call for a pizza, well, just don’t do that again.”

Doc Sanity jumped on a big red button located near where he was standing.  Oddly enough, there were lots of big red buttons all over that lab.  “MONKEY!”

With that, a half shaved, two foot tall monkey came flying out of a metal box from the corner of the room.  Around its neck, it wore a thick, black leather collar.  It’s eyes were warbling around in the sockets, not really focusing on anything in particular.  A thick foam was bubbling out from his mouth.  Clearly, this monkey was a bit unstable.

“What the fu…” Jeff began to scream.  He was cut off in mid-word by the evil, possibly insane monkey who hurled himself, at full crazy-monkey speed, into the Devil.  The pair went careening into a wall.  The entire time, Jeff was making loud, high pitched screaming/squealing noises.

“I’ve never heard him make that noise before,” Lost Cause offered as an observation.

“Um,” Sam began, “I think we all know that the monkey isn’t going to be a long term solution, here.  We really need to find something else.  Quickly.”

“Goblin,” Bob said quickly, “Go help the monkey.”

Everyone looked over at the crazed Monkey, who was pounding on Jeff for all he was worth.  Between the screaming of the primate and the Devil, it made for a horrible sounding chorus of chaos.  Goblin heaved a sigh, indicating that he was getting tired of wrestling with Satan, and dutifully went charging into battle.

“Okay,” Doctor Sanity said as he looked around his lab, “Somewhere in all this mess I have an old, black and white television.  Our lives depend on us finding it.”

Sam, Lost Cause, and Bob all stood there, dumbfounded.  “Um,” Lost Cause interjected, “Say what, now?”

Doctor Sanity sighed, shaking his head.  “A few months back, I successfully managed to convert the afore mentioned television into a multi-spectrum matter converter and containment device.  We can use that to permanently, I think, trap that flaming asshole over there.”

With that, everyone split up and began rooting through shelves, piles of high-tech looking rubbish, boxes filled with even more stuff, and in every other nook and cranny that they came across.  The sound of breaking glass, splintering wood, high pitched screams, and low-level roars served as the soundtrack for the task.

Goblin and the monkey were putting up a fight that was beyond description.  Goblin was a hardcore killing machine, with the instincts, skills, and strength of a perfect predator.  The monkey was crazy as bat shit and probably hopped up on multiple illegal drugs.  Jeff, for his part, was doing his best to absorb the assault, managing to shoot off a small bit of hellfire here and there.  Mostly, though, he was getting his ass kicked.

As they were frantically searching for the old television, Lost Cause looked over at Doctor Sanity.  “So, uh, why do you have a crazy monkey?”

Sanity, intent on his search for his device, didn’t look up from his task.  “Well, it’s just one of those things that I always wanted but could never find.  Anyway, a few weeks ago, these door-to-door sales guys came by the house.  At first I was kind of skeptical due to the fact that they were wearing ski masks and spoke in a foreign language, but once I realized they had a crazy monkey, I bought it.”

Sam’s head shot up.  “How, exactly, did you buy it,” he asked.  Again, he had that tone that indicated that he knew the answer but was hoping against hearing it.

“I borrowed one of your credit cards,” Sanity said matter-of-factly.

Sam let out a low moan that people often make when they get hit with a migraine and went back to looking through the pile of science junk.

A stray blast of hellfire shot past Lost Cause’s head.  “So,” the manic depressed Sock Puppet asked, oblivious to the fact that he was nearly toasted, “About how much does a crazy monkey cost?”

“I’m kind of interested in that answer myself,” Sam said in a voice that indicated that his teeth were clenched while he was saying it.

“Only four hundred thousand rubles,” Sanity answered.

“I see,” Lost Cause said thoughtfully, “Sam can I have an allowance?”

The response came instantly and angrily.  “YOU’RE NOT GETTING A FUCKING MONKEY!”

Back over in the corner, where the battle of the millennium was raging, Jeff was starting to make a comeback of sorts.  The monkey, for all his rage and insanity, didn’t actually have all that much stamina.  This meant that as each minute wore on, Goblin was fighting more and more of the battle by himself.  Finally, the crazy monkey just gave up and went to sleep on top of a pile of magazines.

Only having to deal with Goblin, which was by no means an “easy” task, Jeff was able to regain a little strength and focus.  It wasn’t long before the Devil managed to through the ravaging Sock Puppet off of him and, for the first time since the monkey entered the fight, mount an offense.

Just as he was about to unleash his fury, Lost Cause blurted out, “Found it!”  Everyone stopped and spun around to see what, exactly, Lost Cause had found.  He was standing next to an old, battered looking television that was only just visible above the junk and clutter that surrounded it.

Doctor Sanity was in full sprint as he made his way over to where Lost Cause was standing.  “Goblin,” he called along the way, “I’m gonna need you for this next part!”

Goblin and Jeff each looked at each other and then back over to where Lost Cause was standing, next to the secret weapon.  In a flash, the race was on.  Sam, seeing this, looked around frantically and found, interestingly enough, a small pile of bricks.  Without hesitation, Sam hurled two of the heavy objects in Jeff’s direction.  The first missed wide, but the second found its mark.  The impact sent Jeff slamming into a tall shelf.

Goblin and Sanity reached the old television at the same time.  Sanity turned two of the dials and the television, which wasn’t plugged in, emitted a high pitch sonic squeal and the scream turned bright green.  Sanity let out a smile.  “Goblin,” he said in a rushed voice, “Throw it at the son of a bitch!”

Goblin was more than eager to comply.  Using way more strength than was actually needed, he hurled the television for all he was worth in the direction of the Devil.  Just as Jeff was recovering from the shock and awe of getting hit in the face with a brick, he managed to get back up.  Only to get hit with the television.

The impact resulted in a bright, noiseless, explosion of light.  Sam and the Sock Puppets looked away to protect their eyes from the flash.  After the initial blast of light was over, they all quickly looked back over to where Jeff had been.  He was no longer there.

All that remained was the old, battered television.  It’s screen was no longer lit up and there was a thin trail of smoke coming up from the back of it.  “It worked,” Sanity exclaimed.

Goblin collapsed in exhaustion.  Lost Cause flopped on the floor and let out a long breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Bob looked up at Sam.  “So,” he said, “How about some lunch?”

Sam shook his head and walked away.  The rest of the Puppets followed Sam down the stairs.  As the attic door closed and the light went off, Lost Cause could be heard asking what they were going to do about the crazy monkey who was still up in the attic.  No one answered, deciding to leave that adventure for another day.

End

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