Archive for July, 2007

Dear Diary

Posted in Puppet Stories with tags , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2007 by Dan Cheek

Dear Diary
By Rob Sandman
July 30, 2007
© Rob Sandman 2007

Today I decided that I’m going to keep a diary of all the events that go on in my life so that everyone else can share my great times.

June 13, 2006 – I feel so excited about doing this, I think it’s a great idea.  Not much happened today to talk about, but don’t worry, it will pick up.

June 14, 2006 – This sucks, I think I have writers block.

June 15, 2006 – I met this really cute girl today.  My friend Vinny said that she’s a skank and has slept with everyone but I don’t believe him.  Anyway I’ll find out more about her when we go out.

June 16, 2006 – That bitch gave me crabs.  Damn it itches so bad I can’t even write.

June 17, 2006 – Still scratching

June 18, 2006 – Should the head of my dick be purple?  GOD THIS SUCKS!

June 22, 2006 – Well things have gotten better since my trip to the doctor.  I guess Vinny was right about that girl.  Oh, by the way we’re going out again tonight.

June 23, 2006 – Will I ever learn?  GOD THIS FUCKING ITCHES!!!!!!

June 28, 2006 – Ok, I’m starting over as a whole new man and I know things will pick up for me.  Tonight we’re going bowling.

June 29, 2006 – Ok, so the bowling was a bad idea.  Be warned, it’s not a good idea to air your balls over the drying vent, especially when you don’t see the ball coming back up the return.  Why does everything in my life lately involve my balls hurting?

June 30, 2006 – I think my penis hates me for all the punishment that I’m putting it through.

July 1, 2006 – I met a new girl named Gina today.  She seems great and this time I’m going to be careful.

July 2, 2006 – Ok, maybe I was a little too careful.  I’ve learned another valuable lesson last night on my date.  It’s not a good idea to question a woman about any diseases she may or may not have and demand proof from her M.D.

July 3, 2006 – I’m starting to really regret doing this fucking diary.  That’s it, I’m done with this shit. 

July 8, 2006 – Ok, maybe I was overreacting just a little bit yesterday.  Yes, I was venting.  That’s the purpose of a diary…isn’t it?  Anyway, things are looking up for me.  I have a very big job interview at Anderson & Company.  I have two days to prepare, I know I can get this. 

July 9, 2006 – To boost my confidence, I went out and bought a brand new sports car today.  You know what they say “cars make the….” Aww shit, I just realized it’s not cars make the man, it’s clothes make the man.  I’ll be back later

July 9, 2006 (Late Entry) – Ok now I’ve got the clothes to go with it.  I know I’ll ace this interview tomorrow.  I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready. 

July 10, 2006 – The interview went great.  Granted I hit a few snags along the way, but all in all I think I did great and got the job.  Ms. Jensen said they’ll call me and let me know. 

July 11, 2006 – No call yet, but that’s ok.  I think they have some three day rule in the corporate world about waiting to offer someone a job like this. 

July 13, 2006 – Maybe it’s a five day rule…still no call.

July 15, 2006 – still no call, so I called Ms. Jensen today.  She said they still haven’t decided yet, but would call me soon. 

July 16, 2006 – This is bullshit.  I went out last night and we saw this guy Tim that I know.  Turns out he was celebrating the first week of his new job at Anderson & Company.  How’d he get the job, the guys has fucking Tourete’s syndrome?  Every 5th word out of this guy’s mouth is either piss, shit, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker or tits.  Must be that affirmative action shit.  I think what really killed it for me was when he said to me “Sorry about the job…COCKSUCKER!  That really did me in.

July 17, 2006 – I had to put the car up for sale because there’s no way I can pay for a $40,000 car on $9.00 an hour.  Hopefully someone will buy it.

July 19, 2006 – Someone is coming to look at the car tomorrow, says he has cash money and will pay what I’m asking for it.  At least I’m having some luck.

July 20, 2006 – Today went to shit in about 0 to 60 seconds flat.  The guy loved the car and wanted it, he just asked if we could take it for a ride.  I thought there could be no harm in that.  Well, just as we were coming back to my house we were broad sided by a truck.  The car’s totaled and to top it off, it was an Anderson & Company truck.  Fortunately nobody was hurt.

July 21, 2006 – It just keeps piling on.  Turns out my insurance doesn’t cover anyone but me driving the car.  Had I paid an extra $5, I would have had the coverage.  Of course at the time I had to say what the fuck do I need that for?  How the hell am I going to pay for a car that I don’t even have?

July 22, 2006 – The towing company called to say that I needed to pay the bill because the insurance company won’t.  I told them to go screw, what are they going to do to me?

July 23, 2006 – I came home to find the car on my front lawn.  I guess I should have been a little nicer.  Can anything else happen?

July 26, 2006 – I need to learn to shut my mouth.  Today, I was served with lawsuit papers.  It turns out the guy who was going to buy the car is suing me because according to him, I insisted he test drive the car before letting him buy it because I wanted him to be happy with it.  Someone please ass rape me because at least then I can feel like someone’s bitch.

July 30, 2006 – Well I finally found an attorney who was willing to represent me at the court hearing.  Unfortunately, I had to take out a loan to pay him his $5,000 retainer fee. 


Rob Bresser’s Drink of the Month – July 2007

Posted in Drink of the Month with tags , , , , , , on July 1, 2007 by Dan Cheek

The Bob Marley
Submitted by Miguel Martinez

The Bob Marley drink, like the music by the same name, is the perfect companion to hot Summer days.  When made correctly, you’ll notice that the drink forms three colored layers, yellow, red, and green.  These are also the colors of the Jamaican flag, which is why the drink is named…The Bob Marley.

Pour into your favorite mason jar in this order:

1 Part Midori (the funny green stuff behind the bar)
1 Part Jagermeister
1 Part Goldschlager

-Rob “Reverend Thor” Bresser