Vikki Valentine – Part Two

“Vikki Valentine” – Part Two
By Dan Cheek
4 October 2007
© Dan Cheek 2007

“Lover,” Vikki Valentine called in a sickeningly sweet voice, “You can come out from behind the table, there. You just look silly at this point.”

Sam hazarded a peek above the table, showing no more than his eyes and top of his head. “I realize I do probably look silly,” he said in an almost whimper of a voice, “But I feel safer back here.”

“And what about the four little demon things you have back there with you,” She asked. “Perhaps one or more of them would like to come out and play.”

Bob was quick to answer. “Lady, while I appreciate your invitation, I’m going to have to respectfully decline due to the fact that you’re a horribly insane walking piece of death.”

“Yeah,” Lost Cause added, “Just kill Sam and leave us in peace. We surrender!”

Behind the table, Sam look down at Lost Cause. “Ass,” he quipped. “Way to be a team player!”

“Enough,” Vikki interrupted. “Sam, get your ass up and out here. Now. And tell the talking socks to give us some privacy.”

Slowly, Sam stood up. “Okay,” he said at last, “What do you want?”

Vikki smiled. Before she did that, Sam thought she couldn’t possibly look anymore insane. Now, he realized, he was wrong. “We still have to finish our first date.”

Before the conversation could continue, a motorized Shop Vac came roaring into the kitchen from the other room. “Say hello to my little friend,” Doc Sanity screamed in his best Scar Face impression. “Sucky, kill her.”

The Shop Vac, which had been heavily modified, sputtered out a series of beebs and squeals, acknowledging the order. Sucky was built on the base of a standard Shop Vac, but in place of it’s vacuum hose, there was a wicked looking machine gun. In addition to that, Sucky was armed with a flame thrower and two chain saw attachments, which now roared to life.

With lightning fast reflexes, Vikki jumped over the thing and did a combat roll back out into the disaster that was the living/dining rooms. Sucky roared and beeped, as angry vacuum killing machines do, and charged in after her.

Bob looked at Sanity and shook his head. “You invented a heavily armed vacuum blessed with a homicidal artificial intelligence, and you named him Sucky?”

Sanity’s eyes narrowed, “Perhaps you would like to insult Sucky to his face. When he’s done disposing of the combat Barbie doll in there, I’ll have him discuss the issue with you.”

“Shut up, all of you,” Sam interjected in a panicked tone. “There’s not a cold shot in Hell that Vikki looses to that thing. She took on the four of you and managed pretty well. We need to do something while she’s distracted.”

“Right,” Bob answered. “Goblin and LC, go help Sucky. Doc, run up to your lab and gather every piece of firepower you can find. Me and Sam have to phone in a distraction.”

“Pizza guy,” Sam asked.

“No,” Bob said in a thoughtful voice, “They don’t open for another two hours. I’m calling in the dog catcher. Now go do your things.”

At that, Lost Cause, Goblin, and Doctor Sanity all charged out into the living room. Based on the noises coming from out there, it sounded like Vikki was holding her own and making full use of all her weapons. Things only got that much louder once Goblin and Lost Cause were in the battle.

“Sam,” Bob said quickly, “Dial the dog catcher, which should still be in speed dial, and then hand me the phone.”

While dialing, Sam looked down at Bob. “I won’t even ask why you put the dog catcher in my speed dial.”

Sam completed his task and handed the phone down to Bob. “Hello, dog catcher,” Bob spoke into the phone, “I have an emergency. A rabid shiatsu has busted into my home and is tearing everything to shit. Yes. Right. Sex? Um, not that it matters, but it’s definitely a bitch. Right, female. Yeah. Oh, and there’s like thirty pit bulls in my backyard. I was hoping you could haul them away, too. Right. 1620 Shady Drive. Yes. Please hurry.”

Bob tossed the phone back up to Sam. “You had to throw in the bitch reference, didn’t you,” Sam asked, shaking his head.

“Hey,” Bob defended himself, “The guy asked. I only answered.”

From out in the living room, there came the unmistakable sound of a large caliber automatic weapon. Then….silence. Bob and Sam both looked at each other.

“What the hell was that,” Sam asked aloud.

As if to answer, Doctor Sanity came into the kitchen. “That,” he said in a cocky voice, “Was the sound of a high powered, fully automatic, solar powered tranquilizer gun. Vikki Valentine is now in a coma, thanks be to my specially engineered sleep serum.”

“Sleep serum,” Bob asked skeptically.

“Okay, fine, it’s not really sleep serum. I filled the darts with crushed up Tylenol PM and green tea. But it’s close, I swear.”

“The dog catcher is gonna’ be here any minute,” Sam said, looking at his watch.

“Perfect,” Lost Cause exclaimed, “Let’s dress her up like a dog and have her hauled away!”

“Do you even know how many things are wrong with that plan,” Sam said in a sad voice.

“Who cares,” Doc Sanity answered, “Let’s do it anyway. If he tries to tell us she’s not a dog, we’ll have him perform an autopsy to prove us wrong. I like it! Plus I still have that adult-sized Chewbacca costume that I have absolutely no use for.”

“Fine,” Sam said as he shook his head, holding the bridge of his nose, “Dress her up like a wookie and we’ll all prey and hope that the dog catcher hauls her away.”

“Sucky,” Doctor Sanity screamed out, “Go get my Chewbacca costume. And then clean up the living room.”

“He can fix all of that damage,” Lost Cause asked Doctor Sanity.

“Almost certainly not,” Sanity answered, “But it will be fun watching him try. He doesn’t even have any thumbs.”

“C’mon, Goblin,” Bob said as he walked into the living room, “Let’s go find a video camera. Maybe we can put this on YouTube.”

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