Archive for March, 2008

And in Other News 03/31/08…

Posted in And in Other News... with tags , , , , , , , on March 31, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Old Forge Man Arrested for Dumping Cat Litter
A Pennsylvania man was arrested for dumping hundreds of bags of dirty cat litter all across a three city-wide area.  Police say Donald Klens, a 63 year old man, was very tough to catch and that for two months they hid in bushes, dressed in full camouflage, waiting to catch Mr. Klens in the act.  Now that Klens is locked away, police can now begin looking for murderers, rapists, and car jackers.

Reindeer Dies of Snowmobile Stress
Oh dear fucking God….

If You’re Wearing Lingerie That Makes You Feel Glamorous, You’re Halfway There to Turning Heads
This story was written by a crackhead.  Honestly, it was.  Read it and tell me a crackhead didn’t write it.  I dare you.

New Music!

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Counting Crows - Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings

Some very big, very exciting albums are out this week. Here are some of the ones the Puppet Staff are giddy about…

Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings – Counting Crows
Pretty. Odd. – Panic! at the Disco
Accelerate – R.E.M.
Consolers of the Lonely – The Raconteurs

And now you know. And knowing, as GI Joe always said, is half the battle. The other half involves mercilessly killing your opponents and then drinking their blood so as to gain their powers.

And in Other News 03/26/08…

Posted in And in Other News... with tags , , , , , , on March 26, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Funny News

Tuesday Arrests: Man Charged with Assaulting Officer with Crack Pipe
Apparently, Jeremy Ronald Shuffler, a crackhead, thought the police would be no match for his crack pipe. Note to crackheads: If you think it’s a good idea, it’s probably not.

Pallbearer Buried by Coffin After He Falls into Grave
So, not only did this dumb ass fall into the grave, the other dumb asses he was helping then dropped the friggin’ coffin on him. It’s hard to find good help, these days.

Just Released from Lockup, Man Tries Carjacking
Frank Singleton, of Florida, is possibly the stupidest fucking person on Earth. After being released from jail on a silly little trespassing misdemeanor, he ran out into the visitors’ parking lot of the jail and attempted to carjack a woman. Being a fucking idiot, things didn’t end well for Mr. Singleton. Life is hard when you are stupid.

State of the Gaming Union: Consoles

Posted in Game On with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2008 by gamelord

Here we are ladies and gentlemen: 2008, another year in the console wars going on between Sony’s Playstation 3, Microsoft’s Xbox 360, and Nintendo’s Wii. All three of the systems have stepped up in the past year, releasing highly anticipated games, and loading us up with so many special features and glimpses of future products that the gaming nation is salivating.

Many people were hesitant about, and even angry with the Playstation 3 at launch and into the following months, but Sony kept backing their sleek and sexy machine and it’s showing now. With a variety of games to back it up such as Assassin’s Creed, Heavenly Sword, Devil May Cry 4, and Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction to keep fans of any gaming genre and every age happy, there’s much less complaining about the library the PS3 offers. On top of that, with price drops and constant system updates, the features the PS3 brings to the table just gets more and more exciting. However the real push that the house that Sony built has got with the recent ‘victory’ of Blue-Ray over HD-DVD. With more and more company’s going over to Blue-Ray exclusive, more people are buying the PS3 because it’s a cheaper Blue-Ray player, as well as a gaming system. The Playstation 3 definitely gets my nod as the system to watch. Sony won’t go down without a fight and they are eager to win back all their fans who ditched them in the face of a high price tag. And judging by the look of upcoming titles like Resident Evil 5, Final Fantasy XIII and Metal Gear Solid 4, coupled with the fact that over the past several weeks the PS3 has been outselling the 360, they may be well on their way to accomplishing that goal.

Nintendo has been a real shock to me personally. Since its release in November of 2006 the Wii has been in huge demand. To this day, over two years later, stores can bearley keep their shelves stocked with the motion-sensitive fun machine and not for lack of effort on Nintendo’s part. The system is so in demand there are still people camping out outside of Toys R Us’ and Gamestop’s across the nation to get their hands on them. The system has seen it’s share of criticism as well over its somewhat more childish and easier games, but the library is actually well-stocked with something for everyone. Several of the games the Wii offers are truly marvels to behold. Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is regarded by many as one of the best games in the series and when you consider the other games are marketed as some of the best games of all time, that’s saying something. Super Mario Galaxy, the successor to Super Mario 64, is showing why Mario is the king of platforming, and just a few weeks ago, Super Smash Brothers Brawl showed how much fun it can be to have your icons and heroes beat the tar out of each other. All in all, with the stacked library, the incredible demand, and the blasts from the past, Nintendo has hit gold with the Wii and proves that maybe being the worlds biggest crack-head isn’t a bad thing.

 Of all the three systems, the Xbox 360 is, in my opinion, the biggest disappointment. That isn’t to say the system isn’t huge, and it’s not selling like hotcakes, but overall, compared to the other two, I have to say that the 360 is lacking. The system launched an entire year before the PS3 or the Wii, and did nothing. There were no huge releases, there were no epic games. Now yes, that was 3 years ago, but it still bugs me. Since then we have seen the release of truly historic games such as Gears of War, Blue Dragon, and Halo 3, which despite my personal feelings, is one of the best selling franchises of all time. On top of that, Xbox Live is still one of the most active things on the internet anywhere, driving gamers wild with its points that do nothing but give bragging rights. However with no truly innovating gameplay styles, such as the PS3 and Wii’s motion sensitivity, the games, though gorgeous, still play like last generation games. Further knocking the 360 down in impressiveness is the fact that in order to watch movies in hi-def you have to actually go out and buy the player, meaning to do what the PS3 does out of the box, you have to shell out more money, lowering the gap in price-difference between the two systems. The ultimate embarrassment, however, for Microsoft is the problem they’ve had since launch and still cannot seem to fix. I’m sure all you gamers know whats coming: The Red Ring of Death. Still with no idea how or why it happens, around 16% of Xbox 360’s will stop working. Upon attempting to power up their 360’s gamers found only 3 red lights around the consoles power button which is essentially Microsoft’s way of saying “oops.” once the Red Ring of Death appears there is nothing to be done except send the system back and wait for it to be repaired by the company. It is because of this problem and the lack of ‘next-gen’ gameplay that the Microsoft has ranked lower then the PS3 or Wii, however they do get marks for improving their library, especially since launch, and taking a more active roll in including games like Blue Dragon and Lost Odyssey, getting away from the First Person shooter stereotype the original Xbox had.

It’s been an exciting year for video gamers everywhere, with all three systems offering something for everyone and being relentless in claiming that top spot. 2008 is going to be a very interesting year and should prove to be very exciting, making sure we’re all gaming for a long time. Whether you be an Xbox fanboy/girl, a Sony loyal, or and Old-school Nintendo die hard, one thing is sure. It’s good to be a gamer.

Dustin Diamond Says…

Posted in Fun with Celebrities with tags , , , , on March 25, 2008 by Dan Cheek
Dustin Diamond
“Playing the part of a geeky, whiny, high school loser was the highlight of my life! Kill me. Please?”

The Retarded Policeman

Posted in Video with tags , , , , on March 24, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Retarded Policeman is a web-based series of short videos produced by Mediocre Films. The actor who plays the cop in all of these videos, who’s real name is Josh “Ponce” Perry, is a comedian who has Down syndrome. If you find the video offensive, you’re probably missing the point of the thing. As Wil Wheaton (who’s blog introduced me to this series of videos…) put it in a recent blog post…

I’m sure this will offend some people, but I want to make it clear that nobody is exploiting or making fun of Ponce, or anyone who has Down syndrome. If that was the case, none of us would have done it. If anything, it’s making fun of how arbitrary and, well, retarded police stops can be.

The full line of Retarded Policeman videos can be found at www.MediocreFilms.com. Enjoy.

The Meaning of Easter…

Posted in Random Shit with tags , , , , , on March 23, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Zombie jesus

In an effort to impart as much wisdom as I can to the readers of this website, today I will explain to all of you the true meaning of Easter. Take notes as necessary, as this is a very complex and confusing subject.

A long time ago, Jesus came back to life, after being killed, as a zombie. Wandering the Holy Land, in search of brains and man flesh, he came across the Twelve Apostles. After he ate nine of them, and was preparing to do the same to the remaining three, a massive, mutant bunny came along and cut Zombie Jesus’s head off, thus ending his unholy rein of terror. The three surviving Apostles were so thankful for being saved by the huge, mutant rabbit that they used their super-secret Apostle power to create a holiday in honor of the event.

Now, every year, this huge, mutant rabbit (now known as the Easter Bunny), comes around to all of our houses, while we sleep. His original purpose for doing this was to make sure there were no zombies walking around, and if there was, he would cut their heads off. Recently, however, the Easter Bunny has become addicted to methamphetamines and whino pee. As a result, it is not uncommon for the Easter Bunny to burglarize homes, using the loot to fund his drug and pee addictions.

And that is the true story of Easter. Feel free to address all hate mail and death threats to Dan Cheek, the author of this post. Thank you.

-CHEek
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com