Archive for April, 2008

Save me from this pain!

Posted in Game Lord with tags , , , , , , , on April 30, 2008 by gamelord

So I played this demo off the Playstation Store, for a game called “The Club.” Mistake number one. Sporting a cast of the amazingly lame characters, Sega and Bizarre Creations ass rape of a game just hurts to play. The only enjoyment I got from this poor excuse for a 3rd person shooter was making fun of how bad it was. The games characters made me want to cry, sporting names like Killen, Seager, and Nemo, makes me think that Game Informer will be hard pressed for this year ‘biggest dork’ in their annual award issue. The gameplay was just lazy and twitchy and the camera made me want to shoot someone, even myself just to end the pain. Now I know it was only a demo and is expected to be a bit buggy, but honestly, only years and years of time could make this game passable. If you feel like getting an idea of what cancer might be like, the game is available on the PC, PS3, and Xbox 360, but please note that you have been warned.


Dude…Where’s My Car?

Posted in And in Other News... with tags , , , on April 29, 2008 by Rob Sandman

The Rev. Al Sharpton, who plans to shut down New York City in the wake of the recent acquittal of 3 NYPD officers might not have much luck getting there.  Apparently his 2007 Jaguar was towed because of over $900 in outstanding tickets.  Start hoofing it chunky butt, it’s a long walk down to midtown.

A Letter from Santa Clause…

Posted in Random Shit with tags , , , on April 28, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Dear Sock Puppet Staff:

How are you all doing, these days? I am fine. Aside from all the horrors I endure, everyday. And the voices (which are getting louder, by the way) that scream at me to murder the entire Flinstone family. Which is weird, I know, because the Flinstone’s are cartoons. Right? Oh God, I don’t even know anymore….

Anyway, my life is basically shit. But that’s not really new. Ever since I took this fucking job, each year has gotten worse and worse. The worst part of the whole thing is that the only reason I got this job was because I gave the head of the elf union (I think his name was Martin…) a blowjob. He’s since died of multiple axe wounds to the head. Sometimes I wake up crying, I miss him so much. And then I remember I’m the one who killed him and I sit there in bed laughing. Then I usually pass out.

I’d like to thank all of you for sending me all of those letters of support while I was in jail for that thing that we won’t ever talk about ever again because if you bring it up I will fucking snap and kill all of you with sharpened reindeer bones. It meant a lot to me to know that I had friends on the outside. I never actually got to read the letters, incidentally. Because of the nature of my crime, I wasn’t allowed to hold sharp objects or paper. However, the guard who read them to me had a nice accent. Actually, he was Swiss and I couldn’t understand a fucking word he said. I hate him with the passion of a million exploding suns.

I also received all of your Christmas lists this year. I have sad news for all of you. Due to budget cuts, and the fact that I’m a horrible person, I simply can’t make any of it happen. I’m not sure why all of you all wanted the same thing, anyway. That was creepy, if you ask me. What in the name of fucking God do you guys really need that many donkeys for anyway? Please don’t answer that last question. I accidentally fed all of my medication to my goldfish and I wouldn’t be able to deal with your response.

I have to go now. My wife is loading a shotgun and I really should either try and stop her or hide somewhere. She’s now walking through the toy shop, calling my name. I’m going to go bury myself in a snow bank. Enjoy Cinco de Mayo. All for now.

-Santa Clause

Jack the Tripper

Posted in Music with tags , , , on April 24, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Jack the Tripper

Jack the Tripper
Hometown: Manitowoc, WI (USA)
Genre: Rock/Punk
Label: unsigned
Listen to: Earth to Simple Sarah

Sometimes you find really awesome music and sometimes it finds you. In the case of Jack the Tripper, it found me. I was contacted by the band, urging me to put them and their music on this site. After listening to a short sampling of their music, it became clear that the sounds of Jack the Tripper needed to be on Sock Puppets from Hell.

The band has a classic, yet incredibly effective, sound that is achieved through combining only the essential rock ingredients and nothing more. Start with some guitar, mix in some raging percussion, and then a generous portion of crashing vocals and, presto, you have Jack the Tripper. Anyone who enjoys the sound of some really good punk rock will really enjoy themselves some Jack the Tripper.

Jack the Tripper is not signed to a record label. Yet. However, that is sure to change as the raw talent of the band simply can not be ignored. So get in on the ground floor, now. In a few years (or less…), when Jack the Tripper walks down the street, we will all be lining the sidewalks, attempting to sneak a peak at these rock gods as we stand there weeping, throwing our loose change and dollar bills at them. And, with luck, we’ll have tickets to their show, as well.

We Have What You Want!

Posted in Music with tags , , , , on April 21, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Yes, myself and the rest of the elite Puppet Staff are currently hard at work on all sorts of horrible Sock Puppet things.  More short stories, more puppet porn, more Stupid Ninja Fights.  All of that will be unleashed on this site very, very shortly.

However, in the meantime, we have something else that all of you probably are foaming at the mouth to get your grubby little hands on.  Foxboro Hot Tubs (aka Green Day) release their “debut” album, Stop, Drop, and Roll, in a few hours.  We currently have it in stock, at the Sock Puppet Store of Amazing Things, right now.  You can pre-order the album and be among the first to own it.  Go get it!

And now, we have to get back to doing horrible Sock Puppet things.  Enjoy the music.

-Dan CHEek

Football, Beer, and Jimmy kicks!

Posted in Game Lord with tags , , , , , , , on April 18, 2008 by gamelord

Can there be a better combination? You’d be hard pressed to find one. Yes the sock puppet staff came together and decided to play a little football, in the form of NFL Madden 2008 for the PS3. Yes it was decided that actual football, mixed with alcohol, would lead to too much blood of the innocent being spilled, so we contained the threat to a slightly less contact form. Besides: It’s easier to drink when you’re holding a controller then running and tackling people. So myself, chEEK, The great reverend Thor met up, the teams were picked, the alcohol was served, and the game was on.

There were a few rules to follow in this little tournament, apparently if you chose a team who’s quarterback was Eli Manning, everyone would be required to pee on you. For some as-of-yet unknown reason, nobody picked the Giants. COWARDS! The good reverend chose the ever popular Pittsburgh Steelers, chEEK chose the St, Louis Rams, though was quoted saying “Their quarterback sucks balls but they’ve got an amazing running back. I took up the mantle of the Green Bay Packers and was ready to strike down my enemies. However I wasn’t in the first game, which suited me fine as it left me more time to drink. HAHAHA!!

So the opening contest was set: Thor’s Pittsburgh Steelers, versus chEEK’s St Louis Rams in the Texans Reliant Stadium. Now I was paying more attention to drinking then the game, but I still managed to follow it pretty well. Thor recieved the opening kick off and proceeded to use the Steelers undefeatable strategy of “get the ball to Parker.” This strategy once again proved it’s usefulness as the Steelers took an early lead, scoring on their opening drive. Upon recovering the ball Thor made another drive for the end and walked right in for another touchdown….and I mean WALKED into the end zone. While holding the pass button Big Ben Roethlisberger walked into the end zone, a feet not thought possible. Needless to say this angered chEEK and he started really picking up his game, making a drive right to the end zone…where the ball was quickly intercepted. At thew half, where the score was 14 and 0 Steelers, I conducted a little interview with cheEEK. The Sam Adam’s Irish Red and 007’s told me this was a good idea.

“So what are you feelings on the game so far chEEK?”
“Fuck my Life.”
“Can I quote you on that?”

Truly inspiring words. Well with halftime behind us the game was back on. Thor was eager to make this a “basketball score” and after a fumble almost right after the kick off which resulted in not only a touchdown but a 2 point conversion, this prospect seemed likely to happen. However with a new vigor to prove he does not, in fact, suck monkey balls, chEEK picked up his game by getting his first touchdown of the game, but missing the 2 point conversion. Fortune, however, smiled upon chEEK for after a fumble by the steelers he got a long pass to the end zone and this time got his 2 point conversion. Things heated up with the score 22-14 Steelers and one of the Steelered went and done broked his hip!

Sadly, for chEEK anyway, it was not meant to be. After a touchdown by Hines Ward with almost no time left, it seemed all was over for chEEK. And it was, even after a touchdown by Isaac Bruce, there was nothing more he could do. The final score was a nice 29 Steelers, 20 Rams.

By this point in the night we were eating spaghetti and more worried about drinking, so the tournament didn’t continue. Although I am delighted to say I played a game against my mom and she did quite well. The final score was 22-14 in my favor, but she did very well for a first time. I was so proud…and buzzed…but also proud…but mostly buzzed. That tends to happen when you hang out with people like Thor and chEEK…I love my friends.

The Art of Marissa Battis…

Posted in Random Shit with tags , , , on April 17, 2008 by Dan Cheek

Marissa Battis Artwork

Attention people who like art and other pretty things: Marissa Battis now has a collection of her work online and available for purchase.  To see the entire online collection, click HERE.