Why the Britney Spears “Sex Tape” is Probably Fake…

Britney Spears Sex Tape

Adnan Ghalib says he has, in his possession, a homemade sex tape featuring him and Britney Spears doing all sorts of sex things.  He claims the tape is two hours in length and that he plans to sell the tape because he needs money.  As you can imagine, the gossip-tards are all abuzz about this.  We here at SockPuppetsFromHell.com, however, are confidant that the tape is, in fact, a fake.

First off, we refuse to believe that anyone could have sex, willingly anyway, with Britney Spears for two hours.  It might be fun for, oh, a half hour or so.  After an hour it would become awkward.  After an hour and a half, I’d be calling 911 and screaming for a SWAT team to come and rescue me.  When they kicked the door of the hotel room in, I’d be screaming, “SHOOT HER!  SHOOT HER!”

Second, the timing of this whole thing is just too odd to ignore.  The Dow Jones crashes 777 points on Monday, Wachovia is bought by Citi Group, and then it’s announced that there is a Britney Spears sex tape.  Clearly, this is some sort of distraction.  Somewhere in the White House, George W Bush pushes a button and says, “The Dollar is now worth less than a Dorito.  Release the tape.”

And it’s probably not even Britney Spears.  It’s probably Andy Dick, wearing a pink wig, pretending to be Britney Spears.  The scary thing is that nothing about that last sentence is all that unbelievable.  Years from now, when this theory is proven true, millions of men will all be in their bathrooms, vomiting at the thought of how much enjoyment they had watching Andy “Britney Spears” Dick have sex with Britney Spears’s ex-boyfriend.

And finally, even if this tape is real, why in the name of all that is holy would anyone want to watch it?  Or any celebrity sex tape for that matter?  It’s not as if celebrity sex is all that entertaining.  I own the Pamela Anderson sex tape.  It’s pretty lame.  Most of it is footage of a boat.  No, if you want to see some really entertaining porn, Google “Smurf Sex.”  Or “Godzilla Bukkake.”  Or “Yoda Schiza Video.”  After watching some of that stuff, I challenge you to ever be turned on by any celebrity sex video ever again.

Britney Spears is an un-medicated maniac who is also quite stupid.  Her most famous quote so far is “I’m crazy as bat-shit!”  Rumors of a Britney Spears sex tape should be taken not only with a grain of salt, but also with a double dose of penicillin.  This tape is probably a scam or prank or distraction or something other than a Britney Spears sex tape.  I refuse to believe that I live in a world where a Britney Spears sex tape is anything other than a horrible hallucination brought on by mixing too many Tylenol PMs with whino pee.

-Dan Cheek

If you really, REALLY want to see the Britney Spears sex video (or what is claimed to be the Britney Spears sex video), then click HERE. [warning: NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!]  But I wish you wouldn’t…


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