Be Sure to Read All Warning Labels Before Use – Part One
By: Rob Sandman
18 March 2008
© Robert Sandman 2008
As Sam walks in the front door; Lost Cause, Bob, Dr. Sanity and Goblin all turn to look at him from the couch. Lost Cause quickly hangs up the phone after seeing Sam enter. Goblin jumps off the couch and heads into the other room and the group starts to giggle uncontrollably. “What’s so funny guys,” Sam asked looking quite suspicious of the puppets?
“Nothing” Bob quickly snapped back with.
Now knowing that something wasn’t right, Sam decided to press the issue. “What are you guys up to?”
Lost Cause decided to finally chime in, “Oh, just checking on a recent order that I made. It should have been here by now but for some reason it’s not.”
“What did you charge on my credit card now,” Sam asked with a slight bit of hesitation in his voice.
Knowing that things were going to take a turn for the worse, Dr. Sanity decided that he would be the best person to explain the situation. “Just something for a little experiment that I am conducting. We’ve ordered an air-powered tube that is used for the enhancement of blood flow for the full stimulation the male member.”
A dumbfounded look suddenly appeared over Sam’s face. It took a few seconds before he could manage to get a word out. “A whaaaaaaaaaa?”
Not taking his eyes off the TV Bob just blurted out “Penis pump.”
The dumbfounded look on Sam’s face slowly faded into frustration. “You ordered a penis pump? What the hell is wrong with you guys?”
“Now Sam, nothing’s wrong with us, we just heard that this device is used for male enhancement and we wanted to see what other things it could be used for.”
“So…. what exactly are you going to do with it,” asked Sam slightly intrigued but also afraid of the response he would get?
Bob quickly cut off whatever response Lost Cause was going to give. “Oh, we could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you.”
Sam decided not turn this into a battle of wits because he knew that he wasn’t going to get his point across. “Listen, I would appreciate it if you guys would stop ordering shit with my credit card. You’re probably going to tell me next that you’re using it to make popcorn.”
“DAMN IT! You’ve been reading my notes again,” screamed Doc. “LC, fire that stupid monkey, and run an ad in the paper for a new assistant because he can’t guard anything worth damn. All he does all day is whack off and fling shit at everything anyway.”
“I wasn’t serious, I was just making a statement.” Starting to get frustrated with the conversation going nowhere, Sam decided to just give it up. “You know I have to pay for all the stuff you guys buy…” Suddenly in the background muffled screams could be heard followed by growling from Goblin. After a few seconds the screams stop and silence once again falls on the apartment.
“…What the hell is he doing now?”
“It’s delivery,” chucked Lost Cause.
“It’s not delivery,” Bob interjected, “it DiGiornio!”
Giggling uncontrollably, Lost Cause popped back, “No, it’s definitely delivery.”
“Okay, you got me there, but I wanted to actually have chance to say that line to someone and it was just too perfect of an opportunity to pass up.”
Sam, being the killjoy that he is had to ruin the moment. “That’s just great, I guess I can expect another visit from the police searching for another missing pizza delivery guy.”
“Look Sam, it’s pure coincidence that the delivery guys just so happen to disappear after coming to our place” said Doc.
Trying to help the cause Bob decided to add something to the conversation. “Yup, it’s all circumstantial. Besides they can never find a body to link to you anyway.”
“Excuse me; do you recall the fried delivery guy at the door? Remember I had to get rid of him” Sam barked back.
“Oh, that’s right I forgot about that guy,” said LC looking over at the group.
“You know, this is just like the time your order those chain saws,” Sam said, starting to become agitated.
“But, it was for Arbor Day,” Doc said, almost sounding eerily heartbroken,
“Doc, you’re supposed to plant trees, not cut down a whole forest,” responded Sam. “I thought you understood the whole concept of it.”
“Minor detail,” Doc shouted back. “Hey, what about the time you told me I should do something constructive like saving the whales. I took your advice on that one.”
Almost expecting this Sam quickly shot back, “You ordered a petrified whale penis and converted it into a lava spewing lawn sprinkler. How does that in any way qualify as saving the whales?”
Now becoming clearly annoyed with the way things were going, all Doc could do was utter out the words, “Bahhhhh!”
Becoming equally annoyed, “I knew this whole conversation would be totally pointless. Why do I even bother,” Sam said with frustration clearly developing in his voice?
“It gives you some sense of satisfaction to feel like your point gets across to us,” Bob chimed in as if his statement would somehow help the situation. “Unfortunately it falls on deaf ears.”
“Whatever! Anyway I have a date to get ready for so I’m hoping that you guys can please make yourselves scarce tonight.” Sam decided he was fighting a losing battle and wanted to end things before it went any further. “I would like to avoid repeating our last situation again.”
LC thought for a minute before deciding to speak. “But I thought you liked that crazy girl with the semi-automatic weapons who tried to kill you?”
“Not that one,” yelled Sam “for the love of God, I’m talking about the girl who worked in the bookstore.”
As if a light switch were turned on, Bob quickly reminded the others. “Ohhh her…yeah I forgot about her…terrible thing about that one…”
Sam quickly cut Bob off before he could even finish what he was saying, “…yes and I ask that you never mention her again. I still have those horrible images burned in my mind.” Making his way towards the stairs Sam looked back over his shoulder. “I’m going to take a shower now and you guys had better keep out of sight when I get back tonight.”
It was about an hour after Sam left that the doorbell rang. All four puppets were sitting on the couch watching TV and each of them was equally dumbfounded by the sound of the bell. Bob looked around at the other three puppets while asking “did any of you call for delivery?” Goblin was the only one to respond with a grunt.
LC jumped off the couch and made his way over to the door. Not sure what to do he blurted out “Who is it?”
A voice from behind the door bellowed “DHL, I have a delivery for a Mr. Sam…,” but LC quickly cut him off. “Umm yeah, can you just leave it at the door I’m in the middle of shaving my…cat…and can’t get to the door.”
There was a slight pause before the DHL guy responded. “Umm, sure thing buddy, not a problem.” There was a loud thud followed by hurried footsteps. LC waited a minute before getting the package from behind the door.
LC brought the package back over to the couch and quickly tore into it like it was his birthday. “I can’t believe it’s finally here,” he bellowed with excitement. “I thought it would never get here.”
All four puppets looked into the bottom of the box as if it were some type of Holy Grail; then disappointment finally set in. Doc was the first one to speak up. “Well, that’s not what I was expecting.” Almost puzzled, “I would have thought there would have been more to it.”
Bob thought to himself for a minute before he decided to add his two cents. “It’s just a plastic tube with a pump on the end of it. I think we’re the ones who got the shaft on this one.”
LC tossed the pump onto the table. Goblin chuckled to himself as if somewhat amused by this whole situation before deciding to jump off the couch and head into the other room. The three remaining puppets remained in an uncomfortable silence. Doc decided to be the one to break it. “So, why don’t we go check out this little project I’m working on?” Bob & LC both nodded without saying a word and quickly followed Doc up the stairs to his lab.
A few hours later a key could be heard unlocking the front door followed by footsteps and voices. LC ran over to Bob in a panic. “Ohh my God, I just realized I left the uhhhh…..the uhhhhh….” Bob, finishing LC’s sentence “penis pump.” With a thankful nod, LC continued “yeah, I left it on the table in the living room and Sam’s home with his date.” Bob just turned his head and a sly grin slowly escaped the sides of his mouth as he hissed “really, that’s just perfect.”
(TO BE CONTINUED)