The Julius Dispute

July 17, 2006
Rob Bresser
777 North Western St
Sometown PA 17652

Dear Sir,

Perhaps you remember me?  About three weeks ago I purchased a dog from you as a gift for my girlfriend.  Your add stated that the dog for sale was a Lhasa apso, very friendly and loving, and had all its shots.  I hate to be so rude and call you a liar, but I have serious doubts as to the validity of said advertisement.  In fact, I have my doubts that the creature you sold me is even a dog at all (with the exception that it continually humps my leg.)

About five days after I gave the creature (you’ll note I no longer refer to it as a dog) it began to act strangely toward me.  Whenever my girlfriend left me alone with the dog, it would stare at me blankly until she returned; whether that time frame was a minute to go to the bathroom or several hours to go the store didn’t seem to matter.  This didn’t strike me as too odd at first, although now, in retrospect I am realizing the oddity this situation actually presented.  But then (about a week and a half ago), it began growling at me while starring.  OK… not too strange you say, dogs growl.  However, the sounds this creature would produce when growling could not possibly come from a dog; nor any other earthly mammal I know of, for that matter.

Please do not think poorly of me when I tell you what happened next.  Believe me, I know how crazy it sounds…But I SWARE that the other day, during one of its typical growling fits, the creature spoke.  Not so much words…they were more guttural.  Like combining near comprehensible sounds made by growling and snarling (kind of like Klingon or German).  It honestly sounded like “I am Julius (pronounced hoo-LEE-ous) the latino party sheep, obey me.”  You have no concept of just how terrifying such a happenstance can be.  I have not slept for three days.

I think I may have to ask for my money back.  If that is unacceptable to you, I understand.  But at the very least, please take the creature back.  My efforts to contact you by phone have resulted in either belching in my ear or dead space followed by a chuckle and then a dial tone.

Desperately Yours,

 

Rob Bresser

P.S.  I have enclosed a photo of the creature during one of its most recent starring fits as evidence of my intact sanity.  This was taken while my girlfriend was sleeping.  Please take note of the glowing eyes.  They actually do that; it’s not from the flash.

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Dear Rob,

Too fucking bad.  You brought the thing, it’s your problem now.  In regards to my add:  Every word is true.  It is a dog (in form), it’s had its shots (or so it told me), and it is friendly and loving; to your girlfriend.  It just hates you… I think I see why.  As for the humping, well, you heard it for yourself: he’s latino.  They have a lot of love to share.  Now, I must ask you to stop harassing me and to keep your damn pictures to your fucking self.  I have no desire to see that thing again.  As for trying to call me, I have caller ID, retard.  Should you continue to try to contact me in any form, please keep in mind:  I possess far worse animals and will not hesitate to drop them at your front door.  Trust me on this; you DO NOT want a visit from the parrot.

Very sincerely yours,

Dan Cheek

P.S.  I’ve enclosed a tube of K-Y Jelly.  It will come in handy very soon.  You’ll understand.